Next time you say to yourself, “Man, I can’t fathom how this movie was made,” step back and ponder this: Even the most despicable, tacky, foul, groan-inducing, cliche and boring of movies allows us to have a bit of fun.

These aren’t the “so bad it’s good” films that keep actors like Richard Grieco on direct-to-video shelves with such awfully titled pleasures as “Sweet Revenge,” “Point Doom” and “Final Payback.” Instead, these are the films so ridiculously transparent that in their faults we, as an audience, develop rules for judging future awful films.

“Thirteen Ghosts” happens to be one of those movies.

Never mind it’s so bad that it’s also painfully referred to as “Thir13en Ghosts,” a font treatment joke that to change would take more effort than the actors gave on screen. This horror comedy – favorably comparing it to the dreadful “House on Haunted Hill” would be like saying, “I haven’t seen this type of bold acting since ‘Emeril’ got canned!” – acts as the lobbyist, two houses of Congress and the presidential signature in officially pronouncing at least three undeniable truths about film. Shall we?

1 – Matthew Lillard equals low acclaim

We start out with the controversial one. Lillard, who plays Rafkin, a money-starved psychic who helps trap souls for cash, consistently seeks out the roles exploiting each available nerve ending. Let’s face it, Lillard is Gilbert Godfried 2K2.

One could argue, however, that he’s shedding that skin after his performance in “SLC Punk” and spot-on Shaggy impersonation in the “Scooby Doo” trailers. But for this film, in which a family inherits a glass-walled house filled with pseudo-intrigue and jailed spirits caught by Rafkin, he shows none of that talent. Their reason for looking menacing? The spirits could open a highway to hell without the fist-pounding soundtrack.

Thus, the inevitable fears prod Lillard into all sorts of facial contortions, with the only satisfying one being the after-effects of a punch to the face.

2 – “Wings” was not a rich minor league for film stars

Poor Tony Shalhoub. Poor, poor Tony Shalhoub. He tries, oh yes, he tries. The characters may call him Arthur, and he may answer, but deep down inside everyone’s mouthing their Antonio Scarpacci impersonations: “I don’t know whatyou’retalkingabout.”

A quick scan of his resume reveals plenty of credible movies, more than either Hackett brother ever managed. But that same resume also reveals a clear willingness to work on just about anything. Any time you’re supposed to create an emotional scene opposite Shannon Elizabeth (his daughter in the film), good reviews probably aren’t on the horizon.

Speaking of which, the script looks to have been changed right after the casting. About halfway through the movie, Elizabeth’s character and her punk kid brother disappear, sparing all kinds of dramatic tension in the form of, “Should I pull for these characters to die or not?”

3 – DVD extras don’t necessarily guarantee anything

The DVD is a spotty art, with some significant works treated with kid gloves (“Citizen Kane”) while others are trapped in crappy versions (“Goodfellas”). With the advent of instant special editions, this means the whole spectrum of movies receives increased attention.

Thus, the audio commentaries, featurettes and trailers all garnish a “Thirteen Ghosts” best left barebones. The increased effort only reinforces the notion that we should remember only the danger signs of a wasted night. Oh, the horror!