I would welcome you back to school, but that seems like an unnecessarily cruel joke, and I am not one for adding insult to injury.

If you were lucky, you left DeKalb over spring break. Luckier still, you got out of Illinois, or even the country. I had no such luck, but what else is new? A 40-hour work week at Culligan and “quality” time with the family was my reward for surviving the beginning of this semester. I can’t complain though, because I spent my break launching a seven-day blitzkrieg against video stores and movie theaters across Illinois in a final, mad attempt to watch all the movies nominated for Academy Awards this Sunday, just the vacation a disgruntled, work-weary soul like myself needed.

I’m not sure how I would summarize this year’s nominees. “Unexpected,” perhaps. Only in America do masterpieces like “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and “Pollock” contend with shameful popularity votes like “Gladiator” and “Erin Brockovich.” My heart wants to see deserving movies win, yet my bowels tremble with the realization that such idealism might be lost on the Academy this year.

But enough sentiment. Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Here are my Oscar picks for this year:

Best Actor: Simply put, Ed Harris is Jackson Pollock, the visionary painter consumed by a need to create art even as he was destroying his life. Harris’ raw, visceral performance gets under your skin and leaves you wondering whether you should respect or despise the life of a man haunted by liquor, insecurity and a furious passion for art.

Best Actress: In the face of overwhelming political opposition, Sen. Hanson, as played by Joan Allen, challenges her antagonists with confidence and dignity, rare qualities in most of today’s leading ladies. As the lines between politicians and their private lives continue to fade, Allen’s performance reminds us that it’s the politician’s issues, not his or her life, that affect the foundations of government.

Best Supporting Actor: To appreciate Willem Dafoe’s role in “Shadow of the Vampire,” watch his source of inspiration, the 1922 classic “Nosferatu.” In reinterpreting Max Shreck’s exaggerated, animal-like mannerisms, Dafoe creates a persona that is amusing, haunting, and strangely mesmerizing. Best Supporting Actress: With a wink and a knowing smile, Kate Hudson, as Penny Lane, is the heart and emotional cornerstone of “Almost Famous.” When her heart is broken after being dumped by the lead guitarist of Stillwater, though, we see pain that isn’t acted, but truly felt and realized.

Best Director: You have to appreciate how far Steven Soderbergh went to bring “Traffic” to the screen. In addition to managing an all-star cast on a shooting schedule half the length of typical movies, Soderbergh signed on as director, chief camera operator and director. Most directors would never take on that much responsibility, but Soderbergh did in order to fully realize his vision, and dedication like that is what separates the good directors from the great directors.

Best Picture: And on a related note, I’ll lay my money down and pick “Traffic” to win Best Picture. Based on a British TV miniseries tracing the flow of heroin from Turkey to Britain, “Traffic” is a modern epic that examines the drug industry in America, and the futile war being waged against it.

This movie makes no attempt to preach on the horrors of drugs to us, which it could have easily done. Instead, it calmly observes the lives of a drug czar, cop and wife of a drug lord spiral out of control, affirming the movie’s tag line that no one walks away clean.

The party’s at my place Sunday night, and I better see you there; those of you bringing food, beer and gambling money will be welcomed with open arms.

Those who want “Gladiator” to win best picture, though, will be shot on sight.