Thank you, Karens


Summer Fitzgerald

Thank you, Karens.

By Parker Otto

Editor’s note: This column is written in a comedic, sarcastic voice and is not directed towards a specific person.


Dear “Karens,”


From the bottom of my heart, I just want to say thank you. 

Thank you for thinking you know what’s best for everyone and having such a negative view of everyone around you. Thank you for having the need to film everything because you just know that person in the hoodie is shoplifting. But here’s a bit of advice: If you’re going to film people while you tell them you’re calling the cops (which we know you’re not because even you know you have no case) please don’t shoot vertically. If I’m going to watch your pathetic behavior, I’d prefer it to be horizontal. 

Thank you for being the reason why retail workers dread their jobs and for being the reason food service workers hate making your meal. Most of the workers in that industry want to work and help you, but this is a two-way street. If you want good service, you really should be nice to the people who are in charge of your purchases.

And finally, thank you for ruining a perfectly good name for an entire generation of women. I’m sure there are a lot of people who dreamed of naming their daughters Karen after a special person in their life. You took that away. Thank you so much for your ridiculous behavior. 

Now, these past few years have been rough for all of us. And I know that there are some Karens who are not very proud of their behavior of late. I know that I’m not proud of some of the ways I’ve coped during this pandemic. I have been anxious and angry. So here’s a New Year’s resolution for all of us, especially the Karens: Just chill. Take some time off of Facebook and Tik Tok. In general, cut people some slack. Because if I have to deal with another Karen in 2022, I’m just going to snap.



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