As spring sets in, a young man’s thoughts turn random:

‘ It’s the war by the shore … literally! The environmental extremists are battling the animal rights zealots over the geese, who reside by the lapping pseudo-waves of the lagoon. It seems to me that this entire scenario is some sort of plot cooked up to divide-and-conquer the socially-conscious campus groups.

But seriously, there are more important issues to worry about than a bunch of fowl-types running around scaring people and dumping excrement on the sidewalk. Hey, we’re facing a double-digit tuition increase this year. Somehow, getting our butts pinched by the administration once again seems like a bigger issue. If you’re going to protest, find something important. Last year, I did a student reaction story on the tuition increase. It took forever because most students were not even aware of the tuition hike. What the hell is going on here?

Sideburns update: Sorry, these things still look as dumb as parachute pants. The scary part is that more and more guys are opting for the Luke Perry wanna-be image. However, there is one exception to the rule which states “sideburns are stupid”—the older guys who lived through the 60s and 70s. This group must be pleased that they can wear the godforsaken things once again.

‘ Whenever the weather gets warmer, it is inevitable that the crackpot preachers venture out into the King Commons to shout their fire-and-brimstone epithets. My friend suggested an interesting alternative. Wouldn’t it be great to have an atheist out there spewing forth gems like “Why repent? God doesn’t exist!” or “Salvation? Who cares? The afterlife was created by a bunch of people who couldn’t deal with the problems of this world!”? NIU could have dueling preachers.

‘ Have you seen those “DeltaDeltaDelta, can I helpyahelpyahelpya?” skits? In the immortal words of the Mafia guy from the Simpsons, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

‘ Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to take this opportunity to say “I’m too sexy … for this column …” God, is that song representative of everything wrong with today’s music industry or what? A reputable rock n’ roll magazine reported that the song was done on a lark. Apparently, the lead singer is Mick Jagger’s “personal trainer.” So, I figure Jagger decided he would show just how easy it is to get a number one record. Seeing as the music industry today doesn’t rely on talent, Jagger jokingly decided to put a couple of steroid-injecting skinheads on stage with a drum machine in the background and lo and behold, the song skyrocketed on the charts. Boy, the masses really eat up anything, don’t they?

‘ The Board of Regents, NIU’s governing board, sure doesn’t seem too worried about the new bill which would eliminate them. NIU President John La Tourette has dismissed the bill as election year grandstanding, and he’s probably right. The bill’s sponsor, Brad Burzynski, is trying to make the jump from the state house to the state senate this year. Getting NIU free from the costly bureaucratic BOR albatross has always been a popular item in NIUville. But why should Brad even bother? After all, DeKalb-Sycamore, the new district, will never elect a liberal and Edgar just guaranteed his re-election with the Faraday II gift.