Editor’s note: This column is written in a comedic, satirical tone.

As the crazy old lady down the street once said, “You can really know someone by the way they use their latrine.” If that’s the case, then NIU’s dorm residents are in bad shape. As a four-year dorm resident, I walk into my floor’s bathroom not knowing what to expect, only that it will be something strange. 

First, there’s the shower. Is there anything more strange than going into a semi-modern shower while wearing flip-flops? And I swear, to whoever keeps leaving their toiletries in there, pick them up and put them in your room, you lazy cretin. This is a communal space and there’s only so much room available.

Then there are the toilets. When my fellow residents use them correctly, it’s actually okay. But when I’m trying to just do my business and get out of there, it’s a bit annoying when the guy in the stall next to me is watching TikTok with full volume. At this precise moment, I hope that a troll comes in like in “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” and puts me out of my misery. 

Don’t forget all of the strange characters that inhabit this place. First, there’s The Noodle Dumpers: people who find that the best place to dispose of Ramen Noodles is in the sink. It’s kind of difficult to brush my teeth when there are semi-edible noodles staring at me.

Now, I love Ramen Noodles. As a college student, it’s mandatory that I love them. But I fail to see why the bathroom sink is the best place to dump them. Here’s a good idea, try the toilet. Dump them and flush them. You don’t have to be college-educated to figure out that conundrum.

Then there’s The Handwasher. It seems like I run into this guy twice a week as he spends five minutes washing his hands. Now, I appreciate his commitment to hygiene but, after five minutes of carefully washing his hands and two minutes drying them, I just want to approach him and say “Good luck doctor, I hope the surgery goes well.”

With such moronic behavior, is it any wonder why dorm floors don’t have stoves or ovens. Because as much as I’d like to make cornbread or bake a cake, there’s no way in Earth, Heaven or Hell that I’d trust college students with anything if they can’t handle a communal bathroom. I just have one bit of advice. Pretend you live with other people. Because you do. The janitorial staff at NIU doesn’t get paid nearly enough.