Editor’s note: This column is written in a satirical, comedic voice and is not intended to be taken seriously.

Every spring, we students at NIU have a lot to deal with: midterms, upcoming finals and, for some of us, graduation. There’s only so much we can take on top of that. Canadian Geese are the absolute worst. These feathered fiends are the bane of many students’ existence and have got to be taught lessons in manners. 

The geese are so mean. Every time I walk to class, they walk up to me on the sidewalk and hiss as I walk by. I can understand them being defensive later in the spring when they have goslings. You have to be protective of your children. But the rest of the time, they just like to be bullies. 

Last year, I had a goose try to dive bomb at me like a fighter jet. They want to hurt us and they are very inconsiderate toward students. Every time you walk to class, there are goose droppings on the sidewalk. Every time you just want to be alone with your thoughts, geese follow you, honking all the time. 

But I have a solution. It may be dramatic but it needs to be done in order to prevent the geese from bothering students. 

First, we take the entire campus and move everyone out for two weeks. Close off all of the roads leading to NIU.

Next, get a bunch of hunters. And not casual hunters who just like to go drinking in the woods. I’m talking about professionals. People who take this seriously. Give them room and board and all the guns, camo and ammo they need. 

Then, have them stake out by the East Lagoon. Completely silent. And they wait. They wait until one goose shows up. Then they wait for more. Eventually, the lagoon is full of them. A whole gaggle of them. And when it seems like nothing is wrong, that’s when they start shooting. Bang! Bang! Bang! The lagoon is filled with feathers and we let the hunters have their spoils. 

We do this twice a year for five years. Eventually, the geese will wise up and every time they migrate, they won’t even think about coming near DeKalb. 

Psychotic? Perhaps. Economically and environmentally ridiculous? Absolutely. But I can dream, can’t I?