What in the world is going on here?

When I went to work last Wednesday, Sabryna Cornish wanted me to give her some advice for her column. I forgot all about it and I had to look over my shoulder every 20 minutes to make sure a certain someone wasn’t about to attack me.

Now, as a peculiar form of punishment, I have to write a column during finals week, and Sabryna gets to draw my cartoon. Maybe now I’ll be looking over my shoulder every five minutes.

Now I know what you’re thinking. This guy is going to make my Monday absolutely miserable by setting aside this whole section as a springboard for his radical opinions about something stupid, radical or both. Not so.

In the spirit of former columnist Dan O’Shea, here is a list of things I think you should do over Christmas Break.

(1) Make some predictions for the 1992 election. I’ve made mine already: Ted Turner will fund his millions behind a comeback campaign for Spiro T. Agnew and televangelist Jimmy Swaggart. George Bush will keep Danforth on the ticket, but only if Danny promises to stop comparing himself to JFK, (he’s more like Macaulay Culkin).

And Mike Ditka will run as an independent. Prediction? Bush in a walk … after dropping Quayle like a hot rock and teaming up with Ditka.

(2) Watch some television: you can turn into a couch potato now that you’re finished with final exams. Why not flip on CNN for about an hour? (At least then you can be an informed, objective couch potato). Hint: it’s easier to imitate Bernard Shaw’s voice after chewing about 46 cough drops.

(3) Do some Christmas shopping. I know what my 12-year-old brother wants: he wants Nolan Ryan to come to Christmas dinner. My parents want a report card with my name on top and “4.0” written on the bottom. I may have an easier time getting Nolan Ryan … at least we both like Advil.

Remember what the spirit of Christmas is really all about: “It is better to give than to receive.” Try to keep this in mind when you receive your Visa bill in January. Hint: your credit card company probably will not be amused if you send them fruitcake jellies instead of a check.

(4) Think about the new MLK statue. You may be able to spend hours wondering just why the … nah, why beat a dead horse?

(5) Take the advice your parents have been giving you: go to the library to research the job options you have after graduation. Hint: Chimney-sweeping, fork-lift repair, upholstery crafting and insurance sales are careers that cater to political science majors.

(6) Eat, eat, eat. There is no greater joy in the world than having a meal at home that (a) you didn’t have to buy or prepare and (b) tastes much better than anything the dorms or your apartment could crank out between Geology 303 and History 486.

(7) Do nothing. This is exactly what you will want to do after about three days of being at home. Make SURE you get out of the house for New Year’s Eve. Hint: “Midnight at the Oasis” would be better than spending the night at home; go to some Howard Johnson’s off the tollway and sip brandied coffee.

I think I’m going to stick with drawing cartoons. Hell, even Matt Groening knew what his limitations were.