A test your professor wouldn’t dare:

1. According to Sigmund Freud, a girl’s penis envy starts at age five. The most noticeable sign of this stage is when the girl:

A) starts calling condoms “Double Bubble.”

B) shows sudden interest in the making of David, the statue by Michelangelo.

C) wants male ballet tights for Christmas.

D) wants to smoke Camel cigarettes

Answer: D—Everyone nose that.

2. If the Huskie football team were to make it to a bowl game this year, it would be called the:

A) Toilet Bowl

B) Larry Bolles

C) Lim Bowl

D) Cherry Pit Bowl

Answer: A—The team would go where too much of my tuition goes.

3. The scariest Halloween costume was:

A) the Martin Luther King Jr. sculpture.

B) Liberace wearing jeans.

C) Elvis going cold turkey.

D) an essay test.

Answer: C—Elvis is a cold turkey.

4. A Huskie Bus is going 80 mph on Annie Glidden Road. A drunken Baby Costello (of Bob McBob) is heading for the bus at 100 mph. When they collide, who will hear the crash first?

A) the janitors smoking in the underground tunnel

B) the students standing in the middle of the street

C) the motorcyclists weaving between the students

D) nobody

Answer: D—The radio on the bus is too loud.

5. NIU President John La Tourette is taking a vocabulary test. If asked to define “tuition,” he would write:

A) money used for football

B) money used to give raises to friends

C) the easy way out

D) ask NIU Finance and Planning Director Eddie Williams

Answer: C and D—Eddie Williams is the easy way out.

6. Toxic waste dumps have been mutating for decades. They will ultimately turn into:

A) Ronald Reagan.

B) a combined physics/calculus/chemistry book.

C) Jimmy Swaggart.

D) the Martin Luther King Jr. sculpture.

Answer: B—What goes around comes around.

7. Most math teaching assistants speak English well. True or False?

True—It’s just that they speak politically correct English.