Spraying ‘em to all fields:

Wasn’t that new Michael Jackson video the stupidest thing ever to grace television? Not only did the opening blatantly rip off an old Twisted Sister video, the ending “masturbation dance” sequence made Madonna look Like a Virgin.

Speaking of music, I’d like to take this occasion to let everyone know that I have not, nor will I any time in the near future, be “down with OPP,” whatever that means.

Hey, that gives me a perfect segue (that’s “seg-way” for all of you non-French types) for the oxymoron of the week—”house music.” I don’t know about you, but I like actual instruments in my music, not a bad rap guy (now isn’t that redundant), a big, booming bass drum machine and a bunch of samples.

Annoying Fashion Trend I—all the guys who are growing goatees.

Annoying Fashion Trend II—all the guys who are growing sideburns just because those “cool fellas” on “90210” have them.

Annoying Fashion Trend III—the mental midgets who wear shorts during below-freezing weather. Are these people really so concerned with “being cool” or don’t they own any long pants?

Well, nothing has changed since last week—we still do not need a Student Life Center. To repeat the point of last week’s column—students will be paying $45 more a year for 25 years to finance this unneeded building.

After looking at some of the proposed space designs, you might agree.

For example, there is 1,000 square feet allowed for a commuter center. What could commuter students possibly store there that they couldn’t put in their cars? Besides, the Pow Wow and Diversions already serve this function.

Not only that, word has it that Lowden Hall is prepared to offer The Northern Star some space in this building, presumably in return for some support on the costly project.

Sorry, no dice from this columnist!

But don’t take my word for it, go to the special Tuesday night forum on the life building at 8 p.m. in DuSable 202D and question them.

The whole project smacks of “kingdom building.” Come to think of it, a better name for the building might be “Barbara Henley’s Magic Kingdom.”

The people of Louisiana sure lucked out by not electing David Duke, huh? Every time I see Duke, I’m reminded of the word “landshark.”

Saw an ad the other day for “Greek Nite at the Jungle.” Uh,

Excuse me, but isn’t every night greek night at the Jungle?

Hats off to CAB! The new people in charge have certainly rebounded from last year’s Dylan fiasco and have actually brought bands college kids want to see. What a novel concept! Keep up the good work!

And kudos to the Douglas Hall Food Service. They’ve taken a potentially hairy situation (the Norwalk virus crisis) and handled it well with friendly service and minimal inconvenience.

eally sick and tasteless joke of the week: Did you hear David Copperfield has AIDS? Yeah, he got it from playing with Magic.