Dear leader of Mars,

I’m sitting in the middle of the smelly heap that Ronnie built, and I can’t get out.

Millie is always spitting up purple-green hairballs, Barbara is having trouble breathing and Neil no longer likes money. The White House is turning black and the Potomac River carries a yellowish breed of 5-eyed carp. Things are bad over here.

After my great success against Hussein the Terrible, I find myself facing an election where instead of calling myself the “environmental president,” people are starting to name me the “environment decadent.” This puts me in a difficult position.

So the point of this letter, as you probably know by now, is that I want to put our garbage on your planet. I have noticed through pictures provided by our space program that there are not many things on your surface except for craters and meteors and other useless natural things. This leaves room for garbage.

Of course, the United States would provide military bases and wheat to develop your economy. Also, I would personally guarantee the building of a three-story McDonald’s with a year’s supply of free 100 percent pure American beef for the local Martians to enjoy. I’m sure you agree the advantages to Mars are great.

However, I’m also sure you fear the detrimental health effects of garbage on your planet. I personally know, since I live in Washington, D.C. (which means Washing-a-ton of Dirty Crap), the potential ill effects of rotting carcasses and smelly poops.

But there is no need fear. Along with the garbage, we will send the best technology we have which is currently being developed in our laboratories here on Earth. The health of your Martians will not be threatened.

And about your economy again, I have noticed through the lifeless pictures of Mars we have that not many Martians go to work. This, I can only assume, translates into an unemployment problem. Again, garbage becomes your solution.

The thousands of jobs garbage hauling will provide for your economy will not only make your Martians happier, but they will become better consumers which will create a better market so more of your populace can go to McDonald’s for some good times and a great taste. This will also increase your Gross National Product. Tell that to your newspapers!

Of course some politics will be involved (I’ve read in The Enquirer that a vast majority of Martians are not Republicans), but I’m sure we can work things out. The only difficulty I may have here is getting things past Congress, but it should be easy since I’m used to hiding things from those Democraps anyway.

Please consider this important and historic proposal. I look forward to establishing diplomatic and economic ties with your planet. Garbage would a promising beginning to a prosperous future between us.

As Henry Ford once said, “I see some stars, one must be Mars, let’s give it cars.”

God Bless,