Throw everything you know about sports rankings out the window. The Associated Press Top 25, March Madness seeding, forget it.
Instead, wouldn’t it be infinitely more interesting to see how you, dear reader, would fare in a melee battle against these teams? It would for me.
To preface, this column was inspired by a series of Reddit posts made by u/cvsprinter1 on the r/CFB subreddit.
Nearly a year since the series began, I’ve yet to see the MAC edition, and my patience has run out. I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.
In this completely serious and scientifically-accurate breakdown, I will rank every MAC school based on how confidently I think I can beat their mascot in hand-to-hand combat. Well, technically, I’ll be fighting each school’s nickname, not their actual mascot. Don’t like that? Tough. My column, my rules.
To remain faithful to the original series, the two rules will remain in place. I am only armed with my two fists, and the battle is over once either I or my opponent is dead.
Let’s begin.
12 – KENT STATE GOLDEN FLASHES
Golden Flashes don’t exist. I win simply because I exist. Way to finish last in something else, Kent State.
11 – BALL STATE CARDINALS
The only thing going for that sorry cardinal is that it can fly, and I have a two-inch vertical. But, one good hit, and I’m grounding that sucker.
10 – BOWLING GREEN FALCONS
Oh great, another bird. I’m in for a bit of a bad day, but I’ll be fine. The falcon? Not so much. I’ll violate that bird like a 28-3 joke.
9 – EASTERN MICHIGAN EAGLES
Another no good, very bad day for me. I have no doubt I’ll get shredded, but it’s not getting a kill on me. I refuse to die to a bird.
8 – MIAMI REDHAWKS
Why. Does. This. Conference. Have. So. Many. Birds? I’ll pull out the dub here. I’m just ranking Miami here to annoy the other bird-themed teams.
7 – OHIO BOBCATS
All right, it’s a cat. I’m not going to look too flattering after fighting that thing, but I’m taking all nine of its lives.
Editor’s note: Here, kitty, kitty.
6 – NIU HUSKIES
The biggest difficulty in this fight stems from my reluctance to inflict harm upon my school’s fluffy mascot. Once I’m over that, game over. Huskies aren’t all that smart and aren’t very big, at least by dog standards. I’m not winning this one outright, but the pooch is going down.
5 – CENTRAL MICHIGAN CHIPPEWAS
Finally, a human mascot. The odds are somewhat even, but I probably lose on account of my limited combat experience and low stamina.
4 – WESTERN MICHIGAN BRONCOS
I know better than to tango with a Bronco. One kick to the face would put me out of commission. Bronco 1, Skyler 0, every time.
3 – BUFFALO BULLS
There’s no question that a bull is going to destroy me. A multi-thousand pound beast with giant horns and a hot temper? Hell no.
2 – AKRON ZIPS
As absurd as it sounds to lose to a zipper, I can’t win a fight to the death if my opponent isn’t even alive. My top choice also can’t die, but I’m putting the Zips here because I can and Akron doesn’t win anything. Deal with it.
1 – TOLEDO ROCKETS
Since that big hunk of titanium and aluminum isn’t living, I also can’t kill it. I’m the only one able to die, so I’m the loser in the long run. Congratulations, Toledo. You win on the dumbest technicality of all time.
BONUS ROUND: NIU GEESE
Is this even a question? It’s just a goose. I kick it. If that doesn’t work, kick it again. The only advantage that winged menace might have is being able to fly, and I have awful cardio. Besides that, any goose that dares to cross me has no shot.
