Ahh … Spring! When a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of … romance? Nah, we don’t need seasonal changes for an excuse to be horny. The NCAA championship? Well maybe, but it’s almost over.

Here’s a subtle hint: Opening Day! Playoffs! NBA championship! The Stanley Cup!

Subtle, wasn’t it? It’s time folks. It’s every sports nut’s favorite time of year. The month of April marks the beginning of baseball season. Go Cubs! April and May are also the most action-packed months of the year because now basketball and hockey are at their highest points of intensity.

For the next two months, sports fanatics will be glued to television screens around the country. They’ll drink their favorite beverages, eat their favorite snacks, and scream like raving lunatics as their favorite teams shoot, check, dunk, dribble and punch their way to the championship.

This year will be especially intense since the Bulls and the Hawks are not only first in their divisions but have been on top of the entire league for the last part of the season.

So what’s the point, right? Well, unbelievable as it may sound, not everyone is fanatical about sports. What can they, as non-believers, do while their loved ones are cheering maniacally at Dave Manson beating the Blues’ Snepts and Stevens to a bloody pulp?

If you are one of the non-believers, you can survive if you follow some simple guidelines. This is a survival guide for those patient folks who have to put up with us raving lunatics in the coming weeks.

If the sports nut leaves the room, do not change the channel. Marriages have been known to end when Dynasty preempts the Bulls.

If you plan to sit and watch the game with us, know which team we’re rooting for. Rooting for the wrong team could result in your being locked out on the front step.

If you find out the beer is running out, say something before intermission unless you plan to go buy more yourself.

If you want to join in, act interested. Ask things like, “What’s a two-line pass?” or “What’s the difference between charging and a blocking foul?” You probably could care less what the answer is but it will gain you some respect.

Do not mention studying. This is quite dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

While in a bar, do not play the jukebox during the game. Most bartenders will shut it off beforehand but they always have a reject switch in case they forget. You’ll not only draw the ire of the sports fanatics, you’ll lose your quarter too.

Don’t ask, “Is this almost over?” There isn’t enough space here to explain, just don’t.

Don’t try to discuss things not related to the game. Big mistake. Your epitaph will read, “Take out the damn garbage yourself!”

If by some unfortunate circumstance you both are in the car during the game, don’t ask to change the radio station. Remember, April showers make walking home stink.

Don’t forget, patience is a virtue. The playoffs only last about a month and then we’ll be back to normal. Well, at least until the pennant races start in October.

Be good.