This New Year’s Eve, like every New Year’s Eve, my dad hauled a table and camping chairs to our roof for our annual firework-watching countdown. He lovingly decorated the scene in Christmas lights, turned on “Auld Lang Syne” and brought out a lockbox containing my family’s New Year’s resolutions – which we write on notecards to stash all year.
This New Year’s Eve, like every New Year’s Eve, I struggled not to picture him taking a fatal tumble from our icy roof.
Anxiety about the mortality of those I love has spiked a lot since I discovered “super fun adult things” like unwanted male attention, select politicians, paying rent and driving.
Every person fears losing the people who matter to them most. It’s natural to worry about what we love, and having a lot you’re terrified of must be a sign you’ve led a lovely life.
But too much fear isn’t healthy.
As a resolution for the New Year, I plan to tame my anxiety and instill better faith in the ability of the very smart people I love to keep themselves safe.
When midnight arrived, and my boyfriend jumped up to fulfill the Filipino tradition of leaping at New Year’s, my barbaric brain summoned a horrible vision of him sliding backward off our roof.
Two seconds into the New Year, I had not – unsurprisingly – achieved my resolution.
My plan to fix that has multiple steps, and I’ll enact it anytime I catch myself being irrationally anxious: I must stop, breathe and consciously find something lovable to think about instead.
I must be cautious, not miserable, when faced with goodbyes or impeding icy highway drives.
This year I will live with a little less unnecessary fear and a little more gratitude. I’ll start small.
When I hug my parents goodbye at the airport, I’ll force myself not to picture any disastrous accidents that could occur before I see them again. Instead I’ll cherish their warm, childhood smell, awkwardly focus on hiding tears from TSA and text them with updates of my flights.
If you’re also an anxious person with too much to lose this year, keep this in mind.
Horrible things happen to beautiful people everyday, but in addition, millions of babies are born, weddings celebrated, friendships formed and new skills learned.
Maybe we have no idea what’s coming in the new year, but also we don’t have enough prophetic ability to believe the worst in 2025.
From our spot on the roof, my family could see the sparks from a hundred celebrations lighting up the horizon of our hoar-frosted city, just as our new year was born.
Above all the fiery rainbow sparkles, the aurora borealis shimmered green through twinkling stars, perhaps all for “Auld Lang Syne” or maybe as a happy omen.
When I turned to kiss my partner – who had safely landed from his New Year’s jump and tasted of sparkling apple cider turned slushie from the cold – I felt the nostalgic excitement I always feel on New Year’s. My resolution felt a little more possible.
