It’s February—the month that’s full of fun and exciting holidays like Groundhog Day, various presidents’ birthdays, Mardi Gras, and yep—VALENTINE’S DAY!

What other yearly event has the power to instill so many emotions in people young, old, rich, poor, single, married…beside the 24-hour period between Feb. 13 and Feb. 15?

It’s the busiest day of the year for flower shops and candy stores alike, the day when husbands rush around the grocery store after work praying there’ll still be something resembling a bouquet for them to take home.

There’s a strong emotion that all the crazed lovers are feeling at this point, and it’s called UTTER DERANGEMENT.

UTTER DERANGEMENT occurs when spouses, lovers, or even good friends realize they’ve just forgotten an occasion for which the punishment can range from the silent treatment to 100 years in hard labor. A plus for the receiving end here: If the spouse/lover/friend realizes his/her mistake in time, overcompensation, like candy, flowers, balloons, jewelry and a new car (all at the same time), usually results.

Another familiar emotion of Valentine’s Day—ANTICIPATION. Yes, this is possibly the most exciting feeling anyone can have, wondering if that phone is going to ring, if that mailbox is going to be full of red and pink envelopes, if that embarrassing singing telegram is going to show up at work. The sheer expectation is enough to keep even the most unromantic individuals on pins and needles. However, as the day progresses, anticipation takes on an inverse relationship with ANGER/DEPRESSION.

ANGER is what happens when none of the aforementioned Valentine objects actually arrive. This ANGER can show itself in a variety of equally ugly ways. For instance, the forgotten lover may just silently stew. Stewing involves slitted eyes, grinding teeth, and in most cases, a foaming mouth and smoke coming out the ears. Or, the forgotten lover may turn into the psychotic Tasmanian Devil—screeching and hitting and throwing any handy objects (including pets) through the window.

DEPRESSION isn’t as violent as ANGER, yet it can be just as dangerous. The depressed and disappointed girlfriend/boyfriend will begin sobbing hysterically with every mention of anything remotely related to the holiday. If you know that your roommate will fall into this category, here are some helpful hints: hide the sharp objects, buy stock in Kleenex, and rent as many comedy tapes as you can find.

Finally, there are a few lucky people out there in Valentine Land who will feel the emotion we all want to feel: GIDDY HAPPINESS. This emotion occurs when the sweetheart finally receives those roses, that certain phone call, or that really sappy poem from “Grumpy-bear.” GIDDY HAPPINESS is really easy to recognize, mainly because it looks so stupid. A goofy grin, flushed cheeks and an extreme case of the giggles usually make up this emotion.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that none of these feelings are compatible. Some feel Valentine’s Day is punishment for sins they committed in past lives. Others feel it’s the most wonderful holiday ever created. Most will probably agree, however, with this thought: “Thank God it’s only one day a year!”