It’s time to take a ride on the bus to a few of NIU’s planes of hell. This bus looks suspiciously like the Huskie buses, but has a few distinctive characteristics.

Another quirky thing about this bus is that it makes no noise, usually appears out of nowhere and glows in the dark. Of course some of you might say, “why would anyone get on a silent vanishing bus that gives off a spooky red light?” but you’d be surprised.

Most victims are barely awake and take an occasional doze, letting their eyes close for indiscriminate amounts of time. Then when eyes are slowly lifted, out of nowhere the bus appears.

Once a student steps into the bus, the bus driver, Artemus, greets them with a hearty, cheery “hi yah.” After falling into a seat, Artemus usually chuckles, and then the ride begins.

First stop is the Wirtz Quadrangle, or rather the first plane of NIU’s hell. Artemus pulls onto the gravel, the primary remodeling efforts of the area for quite some time. He proceeds to drive in circles racking up points as he runs over students, faculty members, small animals, etc. Here’s a breakdown:

* SA Senator – 2 points

* Squirrels, ducks, etc. – 5 points

* Jo/Jolene – ordinary student – 10 points

* Faculty member – 15 points

* High-haired students – 20 points

(Insert own image of blood, guts and the like, while considering may passengers just had breakfast or midnight snacks.)

Next stop is the King Memorial Commons’ plane of hell. Those unfortunate passengers who haven’t passed out, look out the windows to see clouds and blue sky moving upward at incredible speeds.

This sensation doesn’t last long as all bodies hit the bus’ ceiling after it lands in the center of the commons. And you thought poor cement mixing or destructive salt was the reason cracks began to form.

Continuing the tour, Artemis directs the bus toward the student center tower. The closer the bus gets to the center, it glows brighter and passes through walls.

Artemis spins circles inside the center destroying perfectly healthy rooms so that there always will be remodeling needed somewhere in the center. As an added touch, he sprinkles asbestos randomly.

As a finale to this level of hell, he soars to the pyramid tip and beats the copper top so as to make it look like wind damage to give administrators an excuse in the future. (He’s supernatural! What’d you expect?). Oh and occasionally, he knocks one of those flourescent lights out.

Next thing you know, the passengers are all back in bed and dismiss this scenario as just another nightmare.

So next time there’s any major remodeling done arond campus that costs the state or students beaucoup bucks, remember Artemis. The administrators do.