KISS and cooties: nostalgic thoughts of grammer school

By Sean Leary

Sean Leary is vacationing in Tibet. The following is reprinted from his book, “The Classic Sean Leary: 101 Crazed Weasels, a collection of columns old and new”.

School sucks. Especially when you’re nine and a half. Remember the good old days of kindergarten? You got to play with toys and draw dinosaurs and come home at lunch to watch Casper and the Three Stooges. Now the only stooge I get to watch is Sister Barb. When she wears her robes she looks like a fat white ghost so maybe she is related to Casper too.

Now we don’t even get decent recess times. Sister Barb made me bang erasers during recess today cause during lunch I made loud fart noises to gross out Amy Martin so she’d give me her HoHo’s. When Sister Barb left the room me and P.J. Rink went up and imitated her and drew KISS on the board and put a rotten apple on her desk. That fink Kim Jordan told on us. We put ‘Kick Me I’m Homely’ signs all over her back and told everyone she has B.O.

Sister Barb broke a ruler on my head in religion class cause I called the Last Supper Jesus’ big kegger. Then I said Jesus was standing on John the Baptist’s head when He walked on the waters. Sister Barb said I had the devil in me so I started drooling like KISS. I bet Jesus would’ve laughed. He was cool. Any guy who gets to cast out demons and knock over a church is cool by me. Then he rose from the dead—cool! Man, I want to do that stuff.

JoAnne Malone slugged me for looking up her skirt. I saw a TV show last night where some guys with skirts were playing neat bagpipes so I figured she has hers hidden under her skirt. I told her she had cooties and she called me Rio Loco. She’s pretty cool for a girl though cause she like UFOs and thinks Andy Gibb is cool.

Plus she makes decent paper airplanes. Me and her dropped four milks out the window today to see them splat. Plus she has a SWAT folder so I told her she was a fox and she kissed me. It was gross but P.J. Rink gave me a cootie immunization shot.

All in all, it’s allright being in fourth grade, but I can’t wait til I get away from Sister Barb next year. I guess this is all, KISS rules, until next time, be casual cats.