Editor’s note: This column is the first of two-part satire column series wherein Senior Sports Reporter Skyler Kisellus hypothetically fights teams from the two conferences NIU will join in 2026 — the Mountain West Conference and the Horizon League. The second column will be published at 9 a.m. Friday.
Hey there, reader. I know you’re probably busy trying to tune out your professor or pondering if Qdoba’s the move tonight (it’s not, by the way), but I have huge news: I’m fighting mascots again!
Well, technically not, but “mascots” rolls off the tongue a lot better than “nicknames.”
More than a year after I tangled with the Division I schools in Illinois, I’ve returned to the ring to (hypothetically) fight NIU’s future football conference — the Mountain West. However, I’m only fighting the eight football-playing members that will be sticking around in 2026. I refuse to negotiate with the Pac-12 traitors. Two schools — Hawai’i and Wyoming — use a different nickname for their women’s sports, but I won’t be fighting them today. I wouldn’t dare hit a lady.
As always, this is a completely serious, 100% scientifically accurate set of rankings. It’s totally not just something to entertain myself during the bye week, and I’m definitely not writing this because my editor needed content to put in our newsletter this week.
In case you forgot, the rules are simple: It’s a fight to the death, and I’m armed only with my two fists.
Let’s begin, shall we?
8 — Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors
Hawai’i apparently just slapped rainbows and warriors together into a compound nickname, so we’re starting this list with a two-fer!
Rainbows: It’s just a spectrum of colors. I can’t imagine how I could lose to that.
Warriors: This specifically honors the warriors that united the Hawaiian islands in the late 18th and early 19th centuries. That’s cool and all, but I’m like 112% certain all those warriors are dead. Victory goes to the only living soul.
7 — San José State Spartans
The ancient Spartans fell when years still had the alphabet next to them. Meanwhile, I’ve been undefeated in military combat for 23 years and counting. I win by virtue of still being alive, and I’d better get one of those funny helmets, too.
6 — Air Force Falcons
Unfortunately for me, falcons have wings. I have arms — arms that would get tired after two flaps. However, I’m much larger than a falcon, and I’m stubborn enough to wait the bird out, tenderize it and catch a well-earned felony charge.
5 — UNLV Rebels
UNLV made the fatal mistake of retiring HeyReb! in 2021, meaning the Rebels no longer have a rifle they can blow me away with. Instead, my competition is now just a rebellious person. I should be able to beat up someone like that.
4 — UTEP Miners
Let me get this straight: I only get my two fists, but my opponent gets a pickaxe by default? What kind of Ponzi scheme is this? Unless I can flawlessly dodge that weapon, I’ll be a goner with a new hole or two in his noggin.
3 — New Mexico Lobos
Time to dust off my translation skills! Lobo is the Spanish word for wolf, and I’m 99.3% certain I’ll die to a dog big enough to consider some of my colleagues a fun-sized snack. ¡Ay caramba!
2 — Nevada Wolf Pack
If you thought one wolf was bad, try making it plural. There’s only one way this ends.
1 — Wyoming Cowboys
I can’t imagine any cowboy without his trusted steed, a strong lasso and a good ol’ six-shooter in the holster. Truly awe-inspiring. I’m dead at high noon.
Congratulations, Wyoming! I guess your state has more to offer than an abundance of methane-farting cows. Who knew?
