Well, the feller that’s usually here couldn’t make it today, so he asked me—Missouri Moe—if I would be inclined to make comment, or something to that effect. I told him I supposed I could, so here goes.

I reckon most of y’all know them NIU mess halls ain’t too particular when it comes to sendin‘ yer dirty dishes through to the kitchen.

There’s plenty schools that only let students put their trays and dishes through. What’s more, they’re made to separate their forks and knives and such and throw away whatever other garbage like napkins and paper cups they might have.

In some places, ya even have to scrape leftovers off yer plates before pushing them down the belt.

At NIU, they ain’t heard none of these things. You can send just about anything to those poor dishwashers, includin’ junk mail, The Northern Star, tests or just about whatever you feel like gettin‘ rid of.

But you can’t send yerself.

Still, two o’ your feller students did just that last week when, after they put their trays on that movin‘ shelf in Douglas Hall, they got on, too.

The first got on and she rode right on through, I hear. I wasn’t there, understand, but by all accounts, she did just fine. Then her friend got on.

He got stuck and Lordy! did they call out the militia.

I has never seen so many fire trucks and police cars and ambulances in all my life. I thought ole’ Douglas Hall was a burnin‘ down and was a goner fer sure. But I didn’t see no smoke and there warn’t any students standing outside.

Well, I guess they had the guy out in near about a half hour, but it musta been painful.

Reckon everyone’s fine ‘n dandy now, but it sets me to worry. Why would anyone hop on one o‘ them movin’ things anyway? They shoulda known it was plumb dangerous.

What worries me more, though, is whether the feller who got stuck is a gonna sue the school for havin‘ an unsafe mechanism there. Prob’ly not, but I worry.

I hear y’all chuckling, but it ain’t so funny. Why, up in the great white north of Rockford, I hear, these two younguns went swimmin’ in a big ol‘ sewer pipe a coupla years back and ended up dying and their folks went and sued the city claimin’ the pipes was too dangerous for swimmin‘. I thought I would bust.

Seems this is whar our country is goin’ now, though. None of us seem to like lawyers too much, but we love ‘em when it comes to suing. So, we keep making ’em richer by backin‘ up the courts with our silly problems.

Even worse, we’re using suing like a excuse for bein’ stupid. It’s like if y’all end up trippin‘ down the stairs, well then y’all reckon you can sue the fellers who made yer tennis shoes.

Plus, we’re made to do a whole lot more readin’, cuz everyone’s scared not to have some disc-a-laimer about how ya can’t sue ‘em if something up and goes wrong. So, I set about to makin’ a sign for yer eatin‘ places:

Don’t put nothing on this belt that shouln’t be washed, including no spoons, no garbage and nobody. If yer in need of a athing, you can wash up somewheres else.

Maybe that’ll stop ’em.