Marc Alberts

College life can be a barrel of laughs sometimes, but there is nothing funny about trying to pick a major. In a truly civilized society someone shouldn’t have to make an irreversible career choice at 18 or 19 years of age.

Of course, anyone can go to NIU’s college departments and ask advice. The problem is that department employees will spout nothing but propagandist praise about their field. Do not be disrespectful; this is their job.

With that in mind, it is important to know every major has at least one “dirty little secret” not taught in any course.

These secrets are the little known or hardly believed consequences plaguing unwary and unskeptical college grads when they enter the “working world.”

If you’ve ever seen a math major running out of an insurance office yelling, “No one told me my co-workers wouldn’t have personalities!” then you know this is true.

So for those who have not yet signed their lives away, here is a balanced review of some NIU degrees, their major selling points and their dirty little secrets:

‘ Chemistry: Major Selling Point—Sherlock Holmes was a chemistry whiz. Dirty Little Secret—Eighty-five percent of all future chemistry jobs will be concerned with developing anti-Iraqi substances (this might be a selling point to some).

‘ Geography: MSP—If you can pick out Lake Baikal and Sao Paulo on a map you will be accorded genius status in this country. DLS—Start mapping Mars. The Earth’s been done ever since Amundsen reached the South Pole.

‘ Human and Family Resources: MSP—”Relevant” degrees for “relevant” times. DLS—You can get Dr. Spock’s and Julia Childs’ books and save the time and expense.

‘ Foreign Languages and Literature: MSP—You can really tell what’s being said when foreign people talk about you in public. DLS—In thirty years, English will be the official language of the world (except in Quebec).

‘ Art: MSP—Since the Japanese began buying heavily it’s a sellers’ market. DLS—Modern art really is a hoax.

‘ Nursing: MSP—Nursing is one of the noblest professions. DLS—You will never get another full night’s sleep.

‘ Technology: MSP—Technology, more than anything else, has contributed to the happiness of mankind. DLS—No major technological breakthrough was ever made by someone with a technology degree.

‘ English: MSP—The ability to read and write the language well is the single most important factor in job success. DLS—The ability to read and write about T.S. Eliot is the single least important factor in job success.

‘ Electrical, Industrial and Mechanical Engineering: MSP—The most lasting monuments of any civilization are its engineering marvels. DLS—The most famous engineer is still Casey Jones.

‘ Education: MSP—The foundation of all learning. The hive that holds the bees and honey, so to speak. DLS—”Those who can, do. …(you know the rest).”

‘ Accountancy, Finance and other Business degrees: MSP—The number of people earning these degrees skyrocketed in the last decade. As Elvis Fan Club members say, “Fifty million people can’t be wrong.” DLS—The party’s over.

And finally:

‘ Journalism: MSP—You will be on the front lines of history. DLS—You’ll have to write about it.