About two months ago I dedicated a column to the problems women have becoming romantically involved with men. Basically, the point of the column was that some of us shy away from committment.

Since then, many women have asked me the real reasons for this “relationshipphobia,” but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that this phobia is caused by an inherent fear — a fear of The Rules in a relationship.

Scott, an older, wiser, sagacious friend of mine warned me of The Rules many times.

“It’s simple,” he says. “Women are born knowing all of The Rules; men work their butts off to find out The Rules; when they do, women change The Rules.”

Guys, if you don’t know The Rules, don’t worry. For years my friend Ken and I have been trying to find them, but it wasn’t until recently that a female friend finally enlightened us.

She agreed to tell us some of The Rules, but only on the condition that we don’t tell any other guys.

I assured her that the secret was safe with us.

So, here they are — as well as I can remember them:

‘The Female always makes The Rules.

‘The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

‘If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

‘The Female is NEVER wrong.

‘If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

‘If Rule Five applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

‘The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

‘The Male must NEVER change his mind without expressed written consent from the Female.

‘The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

‘The Male must remain calm at ALL times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

‘The Female must under NO circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

‘If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void.

When she finished rattling off this preposterous list of Rules, Ken turned to me angrily and asked a question that I heard Jack Nicholson ask in the movie, The Witches of Eastwick:

“Do you think God knew what he was doing when he created women? Or do you think it was just another of his minor mistakes — like tidal waves, earthquakes…FLOODS?”

Our female friend quickly made her way to the door, realizing that maybe she had made a mistake in revealing The Rules.

“So, whaddya think?” Ken yelled after her. “Women? A mistake, or did He do it to us on purpose?”