DATELINE—Friday night. Whoever said Neil Armstrong was the first to reach the moon was wrong. I think the hair on the girl next to me was first. It’s teased so high, it’s got stretch marks on it. They should have made her check it at the door.

And if that wasn’t enough, listen to what she’s talking about:

“Like, you know, Tiff, like all men are jerks. I mean seriously, Tiff, they’re like this mutant race of like totally lecherous, non-commital bastards. They smell bad, they like ooze puss from open sores, they have like this eternal itch between they’re legs that they can like never seem to find, and they don’t mature beyond the age of two. I’m surprised they have like even the talent and the will to wipe themselves when they go to the bathroom.”

I was thinking about jumping in somewhere to give my two cents, but I decided not to for lack of inaccurate statements. Anyway, about two seconds later, she walked off with some guy with a sign hanging in front of his groin that read, “DANGER—HEAVY DRILL WORKING AREA.”

Then, there’s this bunch of Joeys on the other side of me:

“Joey! You gonus! Wa’sup, DUDE?!”

“Hey, nah’much, Joey DUDE. I think I’ll stop curlin‘ for two or tree days. I’m havin’ trouble wipin‘ lately. Joey! What’s wichu, man?”

“Oh, Joey, last night Joeyman, I slapped tongues wit dis babe for two maybe tree hours, so’s I figure it’s time fo’ a little bodda-bing-bodda-bang, so’s I strap on my party hat and Joey(!) the skank says no, let’s go slow. So’s I say yo, skank, dere’s da door!

“Joey! You’re ice, dude, man, dude! Duuuu…uuu..ude! Hey! Look ooo’s here! Joey! Joey! And dat udder dude, whazis name,… Joey! Dude! Dude! Dude! SUP?!”

I thought I’d break in and ask these guys at what point they broke from the evolution chain, but a couple seconds later, all their mothers came to pick them up. All the Joeying was making me kind of dizzy anyway, so I decided to head home.

I took a short cut through some trees and ran into a cute little bunny trying to climb on top of another cute little bunny. I’m not into voyerism, but this was nature, so I stuck around. Bad move. The bunny on top saw me.

“Hey, you gonus! What the hell are you lookin‘ at?! Can’t you see I’m breedin’ here!!!”

Needless to say, I was slightly startled. “Gee, I’m sorry, man. I was just taking a short cut. I didn’t know. I mean, you should have tied a red ribbon around one of the trees or something.” No damage done though. I saw him smoking a cigarette at a restaurant later, and we had a cup coffee together. I asked what he thought kept guys and girls together, because they certainly don’t seem fit for each other.

“Well,” said the bunny. “This Aristophanes dude said that when the universe was created, all these things called globules were split in half and love happens when the two halves find each other again.”

“Ah, I see, little bunny. So we’re all just looking for the other half of our globules?”

“What?! I don’t know what the hell a globule looks like! I’m just tryin‘ to enjoy myself!”

Check, please.