This just in.

Thanks to Louis Farrakhan’s appearance at NIU, a new fashion fad has appeared on the college scene. College students everywhere have begun wearing cheesy bow ties (Is there any other kind of bow tie?) with their inside-out sweatshirts.

No, it’s not true. Even college students have better taste than that.

No, no, no. Don’t even think about it. No racist attack here. I’m not takin‘ a shot at the man. I’m just takin’ a shot at the tie. Racism is just a cute little cover-up word to hide a bigger, meaner issue—fashion.

If Pope John Paul II passed through these parts wearing a bow tie, I’d say something just as fast, or at least right after I said something about that goofy-lookin‘ hat he wears. Hey, J.P., just don’t turn around too quickly, man. You could poke somebody’s eye out with that thing.

You know, NIU’s motto ought to be “We’ll give you an education, but we’ll try not to be obvious about it.”

I mean, let’s face it. This is a pretty busy place nowadays. During the last few weeks, the entire campus has seemed to revolve around two words—abortion and Louis Farrakhan (I guess that’s three words, isn’t it?) If you want to be exact, Farrakhan is just another segment of the racism issue, so we could say abortion and racism. One thing’s for sure: The last thing that has been on anyone’s mind is schoolwork.

It’s funny. If NIU was a small country, we’d go under in about two seconds. Think about it. The only two resources we’d have to offer the rest of the world are abortion and racism. OK, actually, the fact that we have parking problem would be going against us, too. I mean, no sensible tourist would visit a country with no parking.

Oh, yeah. I guess you could just pass it off by saying it’s all part of college life. Sure. Any day now I’m sure these issues will start popping in pick-up lines at the local bars:

“Hi, uh, I’ve been watching you, and your legs just melted the ice in my 7&7, so I thought I’d come over and ask you how you felt about Farrakhan’s appearance and whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life.” Yeah, you oughta get real far with that one.

Anyway, I guess you can’t pretend these issues aren’t part of NIU. And, for those wanting to get involved in the issues, there are plenty of campus groups to join. Campus groups are important. I mean where would NIU be without the Tuba Line? Anyway, here’s a brief list of campus groups for those interested:

Nearsighted and United, and of course, the opposition group—Farsighted and Delighted.

The West Lagoon Fish and Game Commission. It hasn’t really taken off yet, but it’s ready to take a stand if needed.

Freedom a Week From Tuesday. This is the less radical branch of Freedom Now.

The Soap-a-Dopes. They gather around the television at the student center everyday to watch “All My Children.”

ATMers Anonymous. This is the mass of people who congregate at cash machines every Friday at about noon to draw funds for the weekend.

Pretty impressive list, huh? You know, what NIU really needs is a new motto: “Reality is a dirty business and these pants stain easy and I gotta study anyway, so I guess I’ll see you later.”