Well Now

Talking. Sounds easy enough, we do it all the time. We chat about the weather with the person waiting at the bus stop. We dissect Monday night’s game with our roommate. We share our fears about an upcoming test with our classmates. We talk about sex with our partners.!? Well, O.K. maybe we don’t talk so much about sex. It’s funny but somehow “talking about it” requires much greater intimacy and trust than “doing it”.

It can be very difficult to talk about intimate issues such as birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. We are taught from childhood not to talk about sex, that it is personal and private. Too, we are often unsure of what words to use—the anatomically correct terms sound foreign, and the slang terms may sound rude. Also, it might be difficult to talk about sexual issues with someone you don’t know very well or if sex is the only basis for the relationship. (If this is the case, you need to ask yourself if this is healthy for you.)

There are many myths or excuses people use to avoid discussing sexual matters with their partners.

Talking removes the romance

“It can’t happen to me”

You have to “go all the way” to get an STD

If we talk about it, it will hurt/insult/drive away my partner

It is my partner’s responsibility to bring it up/protect us

This invades my partner’s privacy

She/the’ll leave me if I don’t have sex

The only safe sex is no sex

Alcohol excuses responsibility

Talking about STDs/taking care of yourself reduces your pleasure

“What I don’t know won’t hurt me”

The difficulty of this task should not discourage you from talking to your partner if you want to protect both of you. Being able to discuss feelings about having sex, birth control matters and prevention of STDs is important to having a healthy, mature relationship.

Good communication improves intimacy and trust, conveys honesty, directness, openness and reveals how important the relationship is. Good communication depends on learning some basic skills. Use the following tips to help you express your needs, wants and opinions.

Use “I” messages

“I really don’t want to get pregnant now so I would like to talk about birth control”

Time your discussion properly. At the moment of intimacy or when you’re under the influence of alcohol or other drugs is not the time. Discuss the issue before sexual intimacy, at a time agreeable to both.

“Before we have sex, I need to talk about pregnancy and STDs. Do you want to talk now?”

Rehearse what you’re going to say ahead of time. Know what you want to say or need to ask your partner.

Volunteer information about yourself to encourage your partner to share the same information with you.

“I’ve never had an STD and as far as I know none of my sexual partners have had one. How about you?”

Be assertive. Protect yourself. Know your limits and stick to them. Value your own beliefs.

“I am not ready to have sex with you at this time.”

Using communication skills will protect you and your partner from the undesirable consequences of sexual intimacy.