Hey, kids! It’s almost time to vote and the guru of politics has outlined the perfect candidate. I’ve listed the campaign issues I think are important and where the ideal candidate (IC) will stand on each. No need to worry about who is better qualified. The one following most closely to my IC’s opinions on the issues is the one that you should vote for.

First, the flag. The IC knows this is a crucial issue and will base most of his/her campaign on it. Anyone that isn’t jumping to agree with pledge recitals prior to everything from baseball games to John Birch Society meetings is obviously a communist. All of these commies are expendable and should be dyed black and sent to South Africa.

Ah, South Africa. The IC knows that the South African government is inhumane and needs to change. So the IC will continue the harsh proddings the Reagan Administration has been giving and hope that the government there will see the light. Sure. “We don’t have to impose any real sanctions. They seem like nice people. I’m sure they’ll change soon. Right Nancy?”

How about drugs? The IC will be like most of the other politicians in office today. He/she will have never used drugs and will get all of his/her information about the drug problem from people who don’t know anything about drugs either. This way we can rest assured that dopers won’t have any input into a solution. We wouldn’t want to ask the people directly involved, now would we.

Military spending. This is where the IC really shines. He/she knows that the Soviets are just waiting for us to give in to the pacifists and reduce military strength. Well, the IC isn’t going to give in. We are going to spend every dime we can to stockpile arms. And since this is such an urgent matter we won’t have time to bother with the slight inefficiencies that exist in the military. Who cares if half of the stuff doesn’t do what it’s supposed to? Just build twice as much. Sure a few more people will starve in the streets but that’s the price you have to pay for national security.

Is the IC going to let the deficit quadruple every couple years? If that’s what it takes to keep our country growing as it has this past eight years, then yes. We can’t elect someone who will risk our prosperity just to cut the deficit. Besides, the Japanese have tons of money that they’re just waiting to invest in America. We provide their defense so they would never use their control of our money supply to hurt our economy.

How about the environment? Well, we don’t really have to worry about the environment anyway. If we get the greenhouse effect everyone will be tan and Americans will be even more beautiful than now.

Abortion. Touchy subject with most candidates. Not with the ideal candidate. He/she knows what is best for America and that is absolutely no abortions. Women were made by God to reproduce and abortions are getting in the way of their fulfilling their duties. Women just aren’t capable of deciding what they should do with their bodies on their own. Everyone knows that.

Capital punishment. The IC is strong on this one too. Stay with the precedent set by previous administrations. An ideal candidate realizes the need to have a death penalty because it deters criminals. This fact is made obvious by the drastic reduction in major crimes since the death penalty was reinstated. The IC is also in favor of continuing the policy where someone on death row can appeal his sentence indefinitely. This is good because we really don’t mind paying for Gacy-types to sit in cushy cells watching soaps and writing to pen pals.

Last one. Education. No problem. The IC’s kids are already out of school so none of our money will be wasted here. The Japanese are doing such a good job educating their kids we don’t have to waste our money. We can just hire them for the high-tech jobs.