Well it’s Friday—but don’t be fooled because it’s no ordinary Friday. This also happens to be the Friday before Homecoming and that favorite of all pagan festivals, Halloween. Needless to say, today’s topic is not going to be highly stimulating to the intellect or cerebral regions.

Rather, I have chosen to go with the masses and address an issue of great importance to all concerned with the coming parade of foolishly clad individuals who are preparing to participate in this festival of altered images.

Since the dawn of Trick or Treat, man has traditionally asked himself, “Whatever am I going to be this year?” So to ease the burden of this year’s decision, I have compiled a list of simple alternatives to the typical, yet somewhat boring, array of ghouls and superheroes.

Last year, the most popular group costume was undoubtedly the California Raisins. It’s a tough act to follow, and I’m not sure what will emerge as the newest fad in group attire, but one possible alternative comes to us with Chicago’s recent revival of the once smash-hit musical “Hair.”

You and your friends could don outfits of tye-dye, love beads, peace signs and Ava Gabor wigs. Yet be prepared to be mistaken for the JLS. That’s okay, though, because they’ve got some pretty decent flyers these days you could help pass around.

Or pick a favorite musical group of your own, say, The Monkies, for example. I know for a fact that Davy Jones’ evil twin is lurking somewhere on this campus.

Couples quite frequently enjoy dressing up together. There are loads of possibilities with a Tyson/Givens duet, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, the Campbell’s Soup Kids, Ron and Nancy…all requiring about the same levels of intellect.

Or, if you prefer something closer to home, show some spirit and go as John and Lilly LaTourette. It might be fun to go as the infamously informed couple, Jim Fabris and Julie Stege, but there seems to be a shortage of available harmonicas. (It’s all in fun, folks.)

Speaking of closer to home: Paint yourself green, affix some miniaturized shopping carts, garbage cans, beer bottles and litter to yourself and go as an NIU lagoon. Or, you could go as NIU’s most desired object: Dress in black, draw white lines up your body, affix Matchbox cars to yourself and be a parking lot.

Better yet, go as Clyde Wingfield…only don’t come back.

Famous people are always good standbys to imitate. Michael Jackson used to be the big choice only nowadays no real human being could really look like him anymore. You easily could go as former Eagle member Glenn Frye and double as Frankenstein. Okay, okay, enough cruel humor.

If you’re looking for something with a little more variety, you could go as Sybil. Or, wear a hockey mask, metal claws on one hand, a boxing glove on the other and go as a confused movie sequel.

You could go as your favorite abstraction. For example, if you’re in a hurry, dress in black and pin a few small articles of clothing to yourself and go as static cling. It’s been done.

Or, if you want a more enlightening experience this year, go as yourself and see what people guess you are.

Anyway, on a more serious note, just remember that when you’re around a bunch of people who, presumably, will be intoxicated and disguised to the point that they might feel it doesn’t matter what they do because no one will recognize them anyway…well, suffice it to say that some genuinely scary things could happen.

Don’t smash any pumpkins, don’t drive drunk and don’t forget what your date is dressed as. Have a good time at the game, best of luck to the Huskies and have a happy but not life-endangering Halloween. The people at Hallmark thank you.