Today, it begins—Dan: The Final Chapter.

One more semester. Fourteen more episodes. But that’s it. They won’t have to ask me twice when it’s time to get out of here.

So what are we doing today? Well, it seems while I was asleep they ushered in a new year. I found this out when I wrote a check last week and put “1987” in the “year” slot. The cashier screamed, grabbed the nearest housewife and bopped me.

When I woke up in jail, I found out it was 1988. I also had a large smelly man sitting on my forehead.

All right, so it’s a New Year. But wait—I never got to write a “Year in Review” column. That doesn’t seem fair. Everyone from Dan Rather to Sonny and Cher got to do a 1987 recap.

So I’m a little late. Big deal. Remember when we were kids how we pretended our bikes were motorcycles and our cap guns could really kill? Well, let’s pretend it’s Dec. 31, 1987, all over again. If you’re gonna be a baby about it, I’ll take my column and go home.

January: The year kicks off with a bunch of college bowl games. It’s very cold out. The Super Bowl is played.

Hey, come on—January 1987 was a year ago.

February: Valentine’s Day arrives, and Americans either cuddle up with their annual One and Only or drown their loneliness with pills and straight Vodka. In Washington, the powerful “Valentine’s Day Sucks” lobby pushes for abolition of the Hallmark Holiday. Bleeding-heart liberals respond by threatening to add “Latest-Squeeze Day” and “Purely Physical Relationships Day.” The movement dies.

March: Comes in like Flint and goes out like a bat outta hell. Congress passes the 65 mph speed limit. Motorists on the East-West Tollway comply with the new law by boosting the average speed from 100 mph to 165 mph.

April: The Cubs jump out to a fantastic start on the strength of newcomer Andre Dawson’s destructive bat and the resurgence of former Cy Young winner, Rick Sutcliffe. Dorks like me and Dave Duschene get excited.

We all know how this one ends.

May: Gary Hart gets caught with his hands in the Rice. Hart calls a news conference and announces his withdrawal. From the Democratic race. Anyway, Hart disappears after his wife, Lee, beats him into a coma with a baseball bat. Meanwhile, millions graduate from NIU. The world shudders.

June: The Allies storm ashore on the beaches of Normandy in Northern France, slowly pushing back the Axis forces and finally sweeping through Europe on the way to eventual victory. American and Soviet forces, pinching in on either front, link up in Germany and learn the war has been over for 42 years.

July: Illinois Gov. James R. Thompson asks for federal aid after three-fourths of the state’s population crosses over to Missouri and Wisconsin to buy fireworks, leaving industry and agriculture crippled. The residents return for the Fourth of July just as Thompson is about to hire cheap help from Indiana. Fires destroy most of Chicago, Rockford, Peoria and Genoa that night.

August: The world celebrates the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death, Aug. 16. A slimmed-down and drug-free Elvis comes out of hiding in the Dominican Republic, where he had been living under the psuedonym “Geoffrey,” and announces his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.

September: Dan turns 21 on Sept. 5. Three weeks later, he leaves Kishwaukee Community Hospital in a wheelchair.

October: Labor leader Jimmy Hoffa, missing since 1975, turns up at NIU’s Grant Towers in the Italian sausage.

November: Never really happened. It was a rumor.

December: The joyous season of Christmas arrives and with it, bloodshed in the Middle East.

Happy new semester. It’s Friday: full speed ahead.