Well here it is, the first real Monday of the new semester. By now everyone should be finished with the drudgery of add/drop, book buying and schedule completion. Now it’s time to buckle down and get going on some serious academics.

Before we get on to such weighty topics as genetic engineering and the theory of Atlantis, there are a few crucial world issues that need resolving before we all can fully immerse ourselves in the endless pursuit of knowledge.

For instance…

Will a Super Bowl winner ever again have the daring, courage, dedication or dumb luck to make it back the following year?

Will proponents of Gary Hart ever realize that the man shot his political foot off and would be much better off writing his memoirs for the National Enquirer?

Will we ever hear the end of Jim and Tammy Bakker?

Will Jerry Falwell ever stop kicking them while they’re down?

Will David Letterman ever have a decent opening monologue again, and if so, will Police Beat be a part of it? (Hint: some brave soul out there must risk the public humiliation and stuff a burrito down his pants again.)

Will Michael Jackson ever be satisfied with the way he looks? Will NIU ever have a winning team to cheer for? (Face it, there’s only so much rooting one can do for women’s softball.)

A possible reason for NIU football woes (although last season wasn’t all that bad) could be the uniforms. Much as I like the color red, making it the color of the home pants, jerseys and helmets is overdoing it a bit. By the way, whatever happened to black, our other school color?

Will NIU ever figure out a way to build a parking garage on campus? (Although this solution has come up many times before and has been rejected for several reasons, it still remains an obvious, common-sense idea.)

In addition to the great issues that need resolving, there are many questions that need answers if decent people ever are to sleep peacefully again.

Why is most of DeKalb closed on Sunday, a day when thousands of students have the time to do a little shopping?

Why is there no White Castle in DeKalb? (Throughout Chicagoland—home to a big percentage of NIU students—people madly crave those little, square hunks of grease, lovingly referred to as “sliders.” It seems strange that no enterprising wheeler-dealer has set up a franchise west of Route 47.)

Why do otherwise intelligent young women continue to pose for the DeKalb Nite Weekly?

Speaking of the DNW, will the Classified Connection ever be able to surpass the monumental line from last year, “non-thin girls are more fun in bed?”

Why is it impossible to cash an out-of-town check in DeKalb?

How can the lagoon be unsafe for ice skating but secure enough to be snow-plowed by university trucks?

Will DeKalb ever allow 19- and 20-year-olds to enter bars without first having to obtain and memorize someone else’s I.D.?

Will students ever start coming here for reasons other than the business school or the fact it’s so close to home?

Now that these soul-searching queries have been proffered for your approval, it can only be hoped that they will be pondered and discussed by the masses. The answers, I would guess, range from “I dunno,” to the venerable “I suppose.”

In any event, we all should take time to appreciate where we are. After all, how many other towns of 33,000 can boast four water towers in addition to a major university?

Think about that.