I know why Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and President Reagan got to work so quickly and signed the treaty yesterday.

Neither of them really cares about nuclear missiles or arms reduction. I’d be surprised if they even really talked of those things.

They were just in a hurry to get back to the White House because they knew what was in store for them there.

Last night over at the Reagan pad, Mikhail and Ron had the opportunity to mingle and dine with such American heroes as Billy Graham and … ooh, the suspense is killing you … yes, Mary Lou Retton! I know, I know—the excitement is way too much to bear.

But like I said, that’s why Mick and Ron had to sign the treaty as soon as they could.

Great Americans like Graham and Retton don’t wait around for just anyone, you know. They have hectic schedules, things to do and places to go … especially for kids.

So of course they’re not going take time out just because the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world have to start down the path to nuclear disarmament.

And neither are the rest of the honored guests who stopped by Nance and Ron’s for chow last night. These dinner lists are always fun to look at, so how ‘bout if we have a look at this puppy in its entirety and see what a magical evening it really was…

Claude Akins was there, but this confused poor Mikhail, who kept asking, “Veris debear?” Micky, who it turns out was one of TV’s “BJ and the Bear”‘s biggest fans, was crushed to find that Bear, the show’s monkey star, was killed and sold to a restaurant after the show was canceled.

At this point, Reagan began to cry. He was reminiscing about his best friend Bonzo, who met with a similar fate.

Fortunately, the party got a little brighter because funny man Harvey Korman was also there. Gorbachev liked talking to Harvey and kept mumbling, “Ooh baby, I like that Carl Burnette. She’s varry hot.”

Reagan agreed, but said he was a bigger Vicki Lawrence fan. “Well,” Reagan said, “she had nice legs when she was Peter Pan.” Nobody had the heart to tell Ron he was thinking of Sandy Duncan.

At about this time, Chewbacca the Wookie of “Star Wars” fame came in. Gorbachev leaped back in fear and screamed, “Vut de heck is dat?”

Reagan ran over and said “Well, you just calm down Mr. Brezhnev. That’s just Chewy. He’s from ‘Star Wars.'”

Mikhail choked on his Vienna Sausage and for a moment, there was doubt if the treaty signed earlier would stand up.

But Slim Whitman, who earlier had sung the national anthem, took Gorbachev aside and told him Reagan wasn’t talking about SDI. Things were smoothed out then.

Because game show host Bert Convey broke out the game “Pictionary” and everbody wanted to play. Reagan and Gorbachev were partners, but lost when Reagan had to draw Ronald McDonald and Gorbachev said, “It’s dat crazee vriter Don Moorin, right, Mr. Nixon?”

Moran, who was in attendance, smiled and said, “I know what you’re thinking right now, Gorby, but it’s not Friday and that’s Ronald McDonald, you stupid communist.”

That comment broke out in a food fight, during which Dan Fogelberg hit Mel Torme with a chicken wing that Nell Carter had been munching on.

Things were getting ugly, so Sylvester Stallone ran out to his car, put on his gear and burst back into the house screaming, “I just want our country to love us as much as we love it.” Just then, he shot at Gorbachev and…

Whoa there, what have I done? You have to excuse me today because I have a fever of 109. Believe me, I’m burning a hole where I lie.

None of this really happened to the best of my knowledge, but I really shouldn’t be here—I’m delirious and I should be at home in bed, getting over this cold.