What’s the deal with all these owls?

Danny Cozzi

I embarrassingly admit I probably know less about Harry Potter than anybody else in the world.

So, in honor of my lack of awareness of that dude with a “Z” scarred on his face, I embarked on a journey Tuesday to discover what this whole Harry Potter hype has been about for all these years. Tuesday, the DeKalb Public Library hosted a Harry Potter-themed celebration in honor of one of the most famous book and movie franchises of our generation.

It’s pretty safe to say I’m culturally ignorant enough to miss an entire generation of magic spells and giant owls. But seriously, what’s the deal with all those owls?

I wondered why the doors I came through were painted to look like red bricks. Witchcraft, probably. I was terrified as I bashfully tiptoed into the festivities, with the walls arranged in lavish wizardry and extravagant Hogwarts decor, though I don’t know why you’d name your “prestigious” wizard school after such an unpleasant skin condition like warts, let alone warts on pigs. No, thank you.

Teen librarian Steven Roman, 42, of DeKalb, told me all about what I have apparently been missing out on my whole life.

Dementors, as Roman described, are evil servants of Voldemort, that ugly gray dude without a nose (I think). Their goal is to “drain you of hope,” said Roman.

I guess these “dementors” must have gotten their start working for Parking Services.

Later, I found myself under a heavy wool hat which soon determined being cunning and craving power made me a Slytherin. I think that’s a magical snake or something. I gave up all hope there.

Good work, dementors. You win.