NIU has many different types of wildlife that one can encounter on campus.

It often seems like these geese, squirrels and ducks are a nuisance–especially the two geese I saw last week who swooped out of nowhere and attacked a couple of students. I am here to inform you that while these animals are annoying, they are very much like us and have places to go and things to do.

After extensive interviews and research with geese, who wish to remain anonymous as a matter of national security, along with the ducks and squirrels, I have discovered the means to their madness. Today, you will all understand what causes these animals to behave so bizarrely and why they should be left to do their bidding.

The Geese:

Many of the geese you encounter here on campus are not your average geese.

They are actually Top Gun pilots in the Canadian-American Goose Air Force (CAGAF). They are training for a top-secret mission where they are to fly deep into the heart of North Korea’s capital, Pyongyang, where they are under orders to attack Kim Jong-un. They are to temporarily blind him while the raccoon scout sniper takes the shot that shall result in peace in the Korean peninsula. They are strategic bombers with orders to drop dung bombs on Kim’s security guards to create a diversion. These geese are training hard for their mission and deserve our respect as well as their space to work.

The Squirrels:

The squirrel which you see wandering the MLK commons is not simply just a squirrel out begging for food. The poor bloke is hungry, but he is also embarking on a mystical quest to find the emerald acorn of Za and return it to the Great Squirrel King of Barsema.

He, as well as many of his fuzzy brethren, embarked on this journey long before any of us were born. The squirrel who finds this emerald acorn and returns it to the king shall be rewarded with riches beyond his wildest nutty dreams. He who finds this mystical nut shall also become the prince of Barsema and be wed to the beautiful skunk Princess Nutella of the Dominos Dumpster.

The Ducks:

Do not be alarmed by the masses of ducks which clog our waterways with their relentless traffic.

These ducks are very much like the squirrel. They are on an epic journey to find the majestic utopian island of Jepjasewillie which they heard of on “Duck Dynasty.” This island is located somewhere in the lagoon, and they have tirelessly searched for many moons in order to find their utopia and receive riches beyond their wildest dreams.

While these stories seem too bizarre to be true, I can assure you that they aren’t. That is why it up to us to do the right thing and allow these animals to go on undisturbed. Next time you see them, wish them a successful journey.