PASS

Woman celebritized for driving erratically

Usually, when people drive like jerks, their punishment is being flipped the bird by a passersby.

Or worse, a mustachioed police officer gives them a stern finger wagging and a fine. But for one Cleveland woman caught on camera driving on the sidewalk to get around an unloading school bus, the Cleveland Municipal Court Judge said something along the lines of, “Honey, we’re gonna make you a star.”

Shena Hardin, 32, was ordered to stand on the corner of a busy intersection holding a sign reading, “Only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus,” for an hour Tuesday and today. While national news outlets extensively photographed the driving icon Tuesday, Hardin worked the camera.

As Joan Rivers wasn’t present to ask who Hardin was wearing, we can only guess the designers of her chic, all-black outfit, complimented by chunky sunglasses and a floppy visor beanie. In one particularly arresting photo, Hardin casually exhales a stream of cigarette smoke while striking the classic A-lister “leaning on the fence” pose.

With this kind of exposure, Hardin may have a future in advertising: her message is being received by the public without question.

“She’s an idiot, just like her sign says,” said Lisa Kelley, whose 9-year-old daughter boards the bus Hardin circumvented, adding that she wished it was raining or snowing during Hardin’s hour of spotlight, according to The Washington Post.

We agree. Some precipitation would have conveyed the edginess of her newfound celebrity persona.

FAIL

Just let us drop possums

This New Year’s Eve will disappoint.

While you may drink champagne, watch the Ball Drop in Times Square and share a romantic midnight kiss with the love of your life, it just won’t be the same. You’ll no longer be able to ensnare a wild possum, shove it into a see-through box covered in tinsel and lower it from great heights.

That’s right: The illustrious Brasstown possum drop, a 19-year-old celebration that attracts thousands of spectators to North Carolina every year, is endangered after Judge Fred Morrison ruled against its permits. The wet blanket of a court official said “citizens are prohibited from capturing and using wild animals for pets or amusement.”

Well, how else are we going to celebrate New Year’s if we can’t hoist a terrified animal? Confetti poppers? Conical hats?

Instead of capturing a possum and holding it for 15 days before setting it free, Morrison suggested the event organizers treat the naked-tailed marsupial like a founding father and kill it.

“Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for: ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!’” Morrison wrote in his ruling.

While it’s unclear whether this ruling will set a precedent for other animal-erecting parties, we can still speculate wildly.

Putting a partridge in a pear tree? Illegal.

Squirrel bar mitzvahs? No chair dancing.

Simba’s birth? Sorry, Morrison. This one’s outside the statute of limitations.