One must keep eyes open for 2012 products

By Linze Griebenow

Within the last few years, there has been an onslaught of creative and undoubtedly important inventions. Here are my predictions for what will be big in 2012.

1. Designer Joilet Paper, “Class, for your butt!”

The creators of Joilet Paper no doubt took a page from the book of “jeggings” and “pajama jeans.” This product, designed to aid with the perilous task of bottom-wiping, is made entirely of jean material and is already flying off the shelves. Designers like Prada, Silver and Tommy Hilfiger are all cashing in with their own exclusive lines that can be found at high-end retailers such as Nordstrom or Lord & Taylor.

2. Vegan Turducken, “An edible contradiction.”

I’m sure everyone remembers the controversy that sparked from the Long Island scientist who bred the Turducken, a popular family dish that combines the trifecta of poultry: turkey, duck and chicken. In the time since the Turducken’s societal debut, vegans and animal activists have been working tirelessly to redesign the bird-trio into a more environmentally-friendly treat. With the powers of pete gravel, broken glass and dandelions combined, the Turducken is born. Delish.

3. The “Cher Go Night-Night” Sound Machine, “HeeeeEEEEEyyyyYYYYYAAAAAYyyyy.”

This is not only my favorite, but also the most practical and user-friendly device of the lot. The “Cher Go Night-Night” Sound Machine is like any other sound machine used for soothing one to sleep at the end of a stressful day. Picture this: lying in your comfy bed, basking in moonlight and cuddling up next to your best furry friend. Everything is perfect but one thing – the soothing honk of Cher’s voice is nowhere within earshot. This is a problem. Luckily, you can easily flip the switch to your sound machine and be crooned into sweet, sweet sleepy-time by the oldest female recording artist of all time.

4. GOP 2012 Commemorative Home Pregnancy Tests, “The Last Line of Defense”

As We all well know, the 2012 GOP candidates are a feverish favorite among American women. This product comes in a variety of special commemorative packages, one for each potential president. Rather than a traditional home pregnancy test that requires women to “pee on the stick,” the Republican version has couples bringing the applicator to their church officials to see if it is “in the cards” for them to conceive a child. The church head then splashes holy water upon the applicator and if three Rick Santorum faces appear, you’re in for a baby my friend.

5. Petibles: Domestic Animal-Flavored Jellybeans, “Get in my mouth right meow!”

Apparently this is the year vegans can have their whey-free cake and eat it too. Scientists have found a way to extract the many special smells our house pets leave lingering around our homes and combine them into a savory snack. JellyBelly, with the use of scent-to-food technology, has finally found a way to capitalize on jellybeans beyond A&W rootbeer. Flavors include, “my dog sleeps with me every night and I haven’t washed my sheets for a month,” “beginner, moderate and severe cat,” “double-cat litterbox” and “dog scared by own fart”.