Someone once stole my Mother’s identity and used it to send threatening letters to President Bush.

Do I have your attention? Good.

A few hours later, three heavily armed secret service agents came to my house in a black sedan. Nothing kills a party like three heavily armed secret service agents in a black sedan. Nothing, that is, except the Rebecca Black song “Friday.” That thing makes me want to set fires.

Anyway, after seeing what my mom went through, I resolved to safeguard my personal information with the voracity of a great white shark during mating season. So, naturally, Google’s new privacy policy and the controversy surrounding it threw my shark-like senses into hyper drive.

According to Google’s privacy policy, Google can now store any personal information you have given them, including your cell phone number, address, name and credit card information.

If you use any map or GPS service through Google, they can store your current location as well as the locations you visit. Any communication you have with Google via any medium is recorded. If you send Google a text, Google can store your phone number, service provider, message content and the date and time of the message.

Your Google searches are monitored through tracking cookies, which Google now owns. Google knows where your computer is and what operating system you use. Google knows where, when, why and for how long you are online.

Just wait, it gets better. Any information you share on Google affiliated websites like Google +, Gmail, Google Chrome and YouTube is now subject to the same privacy policy and is owned by Google. In some cases, Google retains the right to process your personal information outside the continental United States.

According to the privacy policy, people who handle your personal information are Google employees, contractors and agents who need to know that information in order to process it on our behalf.

Wow, Big Brother really is watching. But you know what, I couldn’t care less.

You see, I’m an open book when it comes to most things in my life. I like classic rock, beer, football, Hemingway and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. My friends call me Moose and my ex-girlfriends call me things I can’t write here. Under Google’s new privacy policy, it knows all of this.

But it doesn’t have any idea who I really am or what I’m really about. No amount of Google searches can personify the entirety of the human experience for a single individual. For me, that’s true privacy.

As Fight Club’s Tyler Durden might say, “You are not your Google searches.”