There’s something better happening on TV right now than reality television, and it’s plain ol’ reality. The news is as full of crazy characters as Paula Deen is of Type 2 diabetes, and dramatic plot lines are unraveling that network executives only wish they could dream up. Here’s a guide to what you should be following.

If You Like: The Jersey Shore

You Should Follow: The GOP 2012 presidential primary

At least the vaguely-Italian drunkards “JWoww” and “Snooki” have the decency to spend most of their time in New Jersey; “Newt” and “Santorum” have been traveling the country to unleash their antics upon the entire American public. And they’re not even drunk when they slur their way through sound bytes like, “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money,” which Rick Santorum later even denied saying. But since Herman Cain dropped out of the race after accusations of sexual misconduct with three different women, don’t expect Jersey Shore-style hookups to be part of the rest of the race. In the most recent debate, Newt Gingrich shamed the media for trying to make rumors about his first marriage relevant. That doesn’t mean name-calling is off-limits, though. Mitt Romney has called Ginrich too “zany” to be president, and Santorum accused Gingrich of “grandiosity.”

Coming Up: For the first time since the start of the modern GOP primary system in 1980, three different candidates have won the caucuses in Iowa (Santorum), New Hampshire (Romney) and South Carolina (Gingrich). As the candidates head to the next primary in Florida Jan. 31, rising stakes will ensure more Republican hi-jinks. The only thing scarier than another Snooki memoir would be a late surge from candidate Ron Paul.

If You Like: Hoarders, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

You Should Follow: The Megaupload takedown

Kim Dotcom, Megaupload founder, would be the kind of hoarder who greets A&E psychologists with a loaded, sawed-off shotgun, backs into a panic room and “activate[s] a number of electronic-looking mechanisms.” Yes, the internet entrepreneur is as bonkers as you’d expect someone to be when they’ve changed their last name to a website address (though Kim.com loads a blank website). Police seized firearms, artwork and more than 20 cars from Dotcom’s New Zealand mansion, including a pink 1959 Cadillac. Dotcom is an egomaniac rivaling the likes of Rod Blagojevich; he calls himself Kimble after the wrongly-convicted doctor on the run in the movie The Fugitive and claims he’s smarter than Bill Gates. Subplots include the shutdown of the U.S. Department of Justice website by hacker group Anonymous and confusion over rapper Swizz Beatz’s appointment as CEO of Megaupload.

Coming Up: Dotcom appeared in court Monday and denied charges of criminal copyright infringement and conspiracy to commit racketeering. He will face extradition to the U.S., so as the legal particulars play themselves out, be on the lookout for more outrageous claims from the multi-millionaire and the release of more details about his lavish lifestyle. A preview: Dotcom has a custom ladder worth about $12,000 in his heated lap pool full of spring water.

If you like: Man vs. Wild

Follow: The Costa Concordia shipwreck

In this case, “men” are the innocent passengers of the Italian cruise ship the Costa Concordia, and “wild” is the only word that seems appropriate to describe the actions of Captain Francesco Schettino and Carnival Cruises. More disgusting than Bear Grylls drinking his own urine, Carnival Cruises is offering some survivors of the disaster a 30 percent discount on future sea voyages. Recordings were released from the call between the Italian Coast Guard and Schettino, who could face up to 12 years in prison for abandoning ship. Some reasons Schettino gives for being unable to return to the on-board rescue: “It is dark,” and “I tripped and I found myself inside the life boat.” That the disaster was so tragic, with 15 dead and 17 still missing, makes the captain’s embarrassing excuses even more absurd.

Coming Up: The disaster could turn environmental. The ship capsized in the middle of a national marine park off a Tuscan island, and experts worry worsening weather conditions might cause the fuel aboard to leak into the sea. Marine creatures may pull together a class action lawsuit like some Costa Concordia passengers have done.