“The Man,” more commonly known as ComEd, Comcast, Nicor and your apartment complex, expects you to pay your bills. They want their money, and they want it on time. Or else.

Paying bills isn’t fun, but it is awesome. Allow me to explain.

1) Staying out of “Debtor’s Prison” is awesome: Luckily, you don’t live in the time of Debtor Prison. A long, long time ago, whenever people accumulated a large amount of debt, they were sent to jail. To answer your next question, no, they were not able to make money to pay off their debts in prison. They never got out of debt. And the creditors never got paid. Don’t try to make sense of it; it will drive you insane. It’s like trying to reason logically with a Kardashian. You lose. You lose every time.

Creditors, having decided that “Some money > No money,” no longer imprison you for holding outstanding debts. Instead, they make it impossible for you to buy things, take what little you do own and harass you mercilessly for the rest. This is the modern day debtor’s prison, and not being anywhere near it is really nice.

2) Having a good credit score is awesome: Take it from me, a good credit score is everything. I used to sell Toyotas for a living. Seventy-five percent my sales never went anywhere because I wasn’t able to get the individual financed. No bank will touch you if your score is in the 500s, and anything around 600 is 50/50. I hated telling people they couldn’t buy the car because no one would finance them. It was like telling Herman Cain he couldn’t be president. “I know you want it, but maybe now isn’t the best time.”

3) Having no stress is awesome: Having an unpaid bill on your mind is a constant source of stress. Paying it takes that stress away. It really is that simple. You may be as broke as congress afterward. You may not be able to afford a gum ball at the local Chuck-E-Cheese, but you don’t owe anyone a dime. The grass under your feet really does feel different when you actually own it.

4) Not having to run from Repo Men is awesome: Repo men are like tow-truck drivers, but they’re less warm and cuddly. They also smell worse and usually have conceal-carry permits. The game of cat and mouse between Repo men can actually be fun. Hiding your car away from where you live, high speed chases, dodging bullets, bribes and disguises make for a fun Monday morning commute. It’s like Grand Theft Auto, but you don’t get to re-spawn outside the hospital.

However, you will always lose because neither the law nor “Big Hank” is on your side.

5) Being free of foreign influence is awesome: The golden rule reads, “He who has the gold, makes the rules.” If you owe someone else gold, you have given them power over you. Thus, if you wish to become the master of your domain, owe no gold.