Stop ruining our childhood nostalgia


By David Thomas

Dear money-grubbing corporations, producers and executives: Please stop ruining my childhood.

There is no need to remake everything I knew and loved before I hit the awkward phase of puberty. Yet you, Corporate America, insist on the opposite. After all, it needs a new “fresh, hip” spin, or maybe it would look better with updated visuals.

You can entice me all you want, but it’ll never be the same.

Take Beavis and Butt-Head for example. This summer, MTV announced the return of the cultural icons. And while series creator Mike Judge is back at the helm, I just don’t think it’ll be the same. What made that show great was that it was often accused of promoting dangerous behavior. In the age of a post-music video, Jersey Shore-dominated MTV, can Beavis and Butt-Head be as edgy and subversive as it was?

The childhood-destroying remakes do not stop there. Last week, I read about how rumors are circulating that an updated Halo: Combat Evolved would be released this November to coincide with the franchise’s 10th anniversary.

Why? Why remake the adventures of the Master Chief? I can already play the original game on my Xbox 360, and it actually looks pretty good for a 10-year-old game. But why, Microsoft? Why fix something that was never broken?

The only way I would acquiesce to something like Halo being remade is if they did it like this: Put the original game and Halo 2 on the disc, fully remastered with HD graphics and whatnot. Only add levels, do not take any away (That’s right, even the Arbiter levels). Put all of the content from the PC versions of both games, and all of the DLC maps from Halo 2 on the disc as well. And give the game a possible achievement score of 2,000.

That’s how you remake something. Make it feel new, but make sure it has that original impact.

That’s why I’m not really a fan of George Lucas’s revisions of the Star Wars saga. Han shot Greedo first; don’t manipulate the footage so that it seems the opposite. Jeremy Bulloch is the voice of Boba Fett, not Temuera Morrison. And Hayden Christensen should not be seen at the end of Return of the Jedi; it should be Sebastian Shaw.

I realize that producers and creators want to update their work because their vision was limited by the technology of their time. I understand why Lucas would want to make the lightsabers look better. But don’t re-do Star Wars in Avatar-style 3D. It’s not needed.

The sad part is that, with my money, I will be encouraging this kind of dangerous behavior. If they re-made Star Wars with the guy from Chuck as Luke Skywalker and Channing Tatum as Han Solo, I’d probably see it in the theaters.

And that’s really what is driving this recent re-hashing of our collective childhoods. There’s a reason why they’re making another Transformers movie; actually, there are 1.5 billion reasons why Transformers: Dark of the Moon was made. And it wasn’t because the creators wanted you to learn more about the villain Shockwave.

So if some movie or game producer believes that re-making a beloved movie or video game will bring in $400 million in one weekend, you can bet they will do it. And while I can blame them for destroying my childhood, the fact that I am encouraging it with my money does not help matters at all.