Surviving Black Friday


By Eric Titus

As we near the end of our school year, we approach Thanksgiving, when students go home, meet with family and loved ones, and eat excessive amounts of food.

It is a great holiday, and is usually followed up by the monstrous sale event dubbed “Black Friday,” which kicks off as early as midnight for some. Personally, aside from the one or two odd doorbuster items your hands will never see anyway, Black Friday’s deals do not look too good this year. If I were you, I would just stop reading this article now and sleep in.

For the rest of you maggots, listen up. If you think you’re brave enough to survive Black Friday, you need three things: Guts, willpower, and hopefully a friend over six feet tall. I’m not going to lie to you; Black Friday is not for every man. It takes a mix of madness and courage to leave the cars and storm the storefronts.

I still remember the horrors of last year. One of the men from our platoon, Johnny, managed to grab the last Blu-ray player on sale. He was en route to delivering it to our cart, when a horde of single mothers ambushed him. Poor kid never had a chance.

Then there was the Black Friday with Tickle-me-Elmo. At night, I can still hear the screams.

In all seriousness though, here’s a few tips for Black Friday to help you get through relatively painlessly.

First, make sure you know what you’re going on there for.

Second, be quick. Wandering around a store on Black Friday would be like wandering around Pamplona during the running of the bulls, so do your best to get in and get out.

If all else fails, I’ve always been a fan of attaching a Plow to the front of my car to get through crowds (Incidentally, this may not be legal, check your local laws).

Finally, as for those few poor souls who have to work during Black Friday, I have only a few tips.

Go to sleep early so you’re not tired when you go into work early. Patience is also key. People act stupid this time of year, so be patient and get through it.

If you don’t need anything, I’d recommend staying home. This silly sale isn’t for everyone after all.