Certain costumes will make you a Halloweeiner

By Chris Krapek

Remember when Halloween meant monsters and candy and apple-bobbing?

At this age, Oct. 31 only means one thing; dressing up.

Every year, college kids think they’re making the right choice as to what to be for Halloween. Your outfit is either funny, risque or ironic. Really, when’s the last time someone just straight up dressed as a ninja?

When choosing the best costume, the most vital part is originality. I can already, with confidence, make a prediction that there will be at least 134 “Greenmen” from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia walking around town.

I can’t make your decision for you, but I can tell you what not to be.

Here are my choices for five really lame costumes for Halloween 2010:

1) Lady Gaga

Anywhere you go for Halloween, there’s going to be a girl in a dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls and lightning bolts on her face. The selection of Lady GaGa costumes and accessories at Wal-Mart is immaculate. There’s seriously three shelves full of kitschy glasses and fishnets.

If you absolutely have to get your “cherry cherry boom boom” on and be GaGa, go all out. Buy a few pounds of meat from the butcher and craft the ultimate meat dress and loaf of bread handbag.

2) Jersey Shore

The MTV show about drinking, fist-pumping and smushing is one of America’s most beloved treasures. Ask your grandparents about “The Situation” and they’ll blow your mind, thanks to Dancing with the Stars.

With this being the first Halloween since Jersey Shore exploded, expect tons of dudes with spray-on abs. Kudos to any girl (or a really ugly man) who tries to pull off a Snooki outfit. There’s not enough bronzer or pickles in this world.

3) Toy Story 3 or Avatar characters

I have an inkling that the two biggest movies of the last year will spawn a bunch of horrible Halloween costumes. No one wants to see a 20-something dude dressed up as a toy cowboy or intergalactic space ranger. Sure, it feels nostalgic, but there’s going to be thousands of kids half your age doing the same thing.

On the other hand is the totally blue Na’vi creature from Avatar. If it’s done well and you have yellow eyes and a hair braid that makes a dragon fly, it could work. But if you merely paint yourself blue and put on a loin cloth… that’s not cool in 3-D or 2-D.

4) Sexy “Whatever”

You know what I’m talking about, girls. Halloween is the one night a year where you can justify wearing a French maid’s outfit (well, maybe). On Oct. 31, you seem to shed more clothes than wear them. You make a “sexy” costume out of anything. Sexy pirate. Sexy cat. Sexy certified public accountant. By all means, be sexy, but please, show a little imagination. Has there ever been a sexy ostrich?

5) Current Events Humor

If you want to pull this off, you have to be living in the zeitgeist. It won’t suffice if you dress up like Tiger Woods or Michael Jackson — that’s so 2009! You need to be someone that’s trending NOW. Brett Favre could work; all you would need is a pair of Wrangler’s and a camera phone.

Be Juan Williams. Be Christine O’Donnell. Be Rahm Emanuel. If you have to explain who you are to an inebriated Captain Jack Sparrow, cool, you’ll feel smart. At least you’re not Captain Jack Sparrow.