To stuck-up fashionista pinheads everywhere:

(Slips on Chris Crocker mask)

Leave Michelle Obama alone!

Sniffle, sniffle, I just can’t believe anyone would be so inconsequential as to critique what the first lady wears to meet the queen, sniffle, sniffle. Bawl, sniffle, I mean, Mr. Oscar de la Renta, how would you feel if you were called out on the cover of the Huffington Post’s Web site, among other places, saying you “don’t wear a sweater to meet the Queen?”

Like, how insensitive can you be? What if it were cold out? You don’t know how toasty it was. Are you in England? I bet you the Queen wears sweaters all the time. What’s the big deal?

How dare anyone insult Michelle Obama after everything she’s been through, sob, whimper! She’s a human! She has two children! How would you feel if someone talked crap about your mom? Geez, she’s the first lady. Her husband’s the president of the United States for Pete’s sake. All you people care about are shoes and whether taffeta or pleather is in this season. Get with the program! She trained our current president at their Chicago law firm and taught him everything she knows. Girl power, like, whoa! Come on!

Gasp, sob, not everyone can afford your clothes, Ms. Vera Wang, Ms. Donna Karan. What about the little guy, huh? Sniffle, sniffle, why can’t you just let them have the limelight for one first lady? You get everyone else, but no! You want more people to wear your clothes.

That’s all you want: more, more, more, more, more!

Quiver, gasp, whimper, the designers she wears are lesser known than you. So what? Hiccup, hiccup, they’re Americans too! They still stimulate the economy! She’s buying domestic; what more do you want?

Whimper, sniffle, she’s well-educated. She went to Harvard for crying out loud! What does it matter who she’s wearing; it’s just not fair of you to go after her like that. She’s a person too!

Sigh, whimper, now I have to go clean up my face thanks to you people. And guess what? It wasn’t made by you. Take that!