When you were a kid, were you the cop or the robber? The cowboy or the Indian?

As youths, the battles once waged in our own backyards carried no deeper significance than killing a few hours. But SpikeTV’s newest historic fiction, “Deadliest Warrior,” is aiming to look at those pairings on a more existential level, using science to prove which combatant is actually better.

The pilot takes a look at two foes from opposite ends of the stab-happy spectrum: the Apache warrior and the Roman gladiator. One is a silent killer, striking from a distance with knives, tomahawks and bows and arrows. The other is burly and brutal, clad in pounds of bronze armor, sling and sword in hand. They are individually the most lethal entities of their respective lands, but put the two together and chaos, naturally, ensues.

The hour-long program blends fiction with fact as it pits the two murderous forces against one another. A series of comparisons is made right off the bat to determine whose close-range, mid-range, long-range and special weapons are more likely to go in for the kill, as is presented by a panel of experts. Those real-life demonstrations range from the flinging of an axe to clocking the speed of a rusted arrow as it pierces its target.

The tests are all over-the-top and highly enjoyable, mostly because they all involve those human-shaped gelatin bust things, which are unequivocally under-used on other science-y shows such as “Mythbusters.” As such, “Deadliest Warrior” realized its demographic’s lust for seeing orange, gooey half-men get torn apart by a trident for the better part of an hour, which is why no less than 10 of the models are featured.

“Deadliest Warrior” is fun and gory with one key drawback: the panelists themselves, each of which is far too annoying for their own good. The Apache representatives, of course, feel their people would be victorious, while the gladiator representatives feel different.

It all culminates in a giant, metaphorical peeing contest between the two sides that is cringe-worthy to the core. Thankfully, the bicker battles are no match for the imaginary war fought throughout the episode, making for one hatchet-throwing, cow-punching, blood-spurting good time.