Oprah Winfrey spared no expense for President-elect Barack Obama’s victory speech at Grant Park on election night. Expecting a crowd of hundreds of thousands, the TV talk show queen had the body of late actor John Ritter reanimated to be used as a leaning post.

Since openly supporting the freshman Illinois senator in early 2007, Oprah began making plans for the Nov. 4 event, said Julianne Steelside, a spokeswoman for Oprah.

“She has always had an affinity for Mr. Ritter and his work,” Steelside said. “Through her close relationship with him, she felt he would enjoy being at that historic event”

Dr. Harold Staudaman, the lead researcher in Oprah’s scientific advancement team, which is part of her Future Now Research Center, said he had been working for more than a year trying to discover a way to reanimated dead human tissue.

“We tried Voodoo, zapping it with lightning and everything in between,” said Staudaman.

What finally worked, he said, was a technique pioneered in Sweden called Life Refraction. According to a statement released by Future Now earlier this week, the technique involves “pickling” the body in a special liquid called hydrovian fluid for eight weeks. The special properties of the solution begin the first stages of reanimation.

When the soaking process is complete, the body is then stored in a McShanks Box, a personal chamber used to introduce modified electromagnetized neutrinos to living, or once living, tissue.

Staudaman said to complete the process, and to assure the “revitalized” specimen does not crave human brains, an IV mixture of protein and carbohydrates is introduced for the last 21 days. He said if the body is slow to react, a high dosage of electricity can be used.

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It’s the greatest scientific breakthrough since Einstein’s Seven Degrees of Separation,” Staudaman said.

Adriana Turkelton, a member of the scientific advancement team, said Oprah had tried to bring others back from the dead before. She said Oprah wanted President John F. Kennedy to be brought back to life.

“But after we brought him back, and surgically repaired his wounds, his case of VD resurfaced,” Turkelton said. “After two days, his head exploded again as a result of his scorching case of syphilis.”

On her show Monday, Oprah said her team had to “re-kill” Ritter. Staudaman said the body would have to be ground up to prevent it from reanimating itself.

“Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same John we all loved,” Oprah said as her eyes began to water.

She went on to praise Ritter’s ability to stand for hours on end, supporting her, both physically and emotionally.

“He was extraordinarily nice to me,” Oprah said. “He let me just sob on his shoulder, my mascara running everywhere.”

Editor’s note: This article is a work of fiction.