Two of the biggest musical acts of all time are releasing new albums by the end of the year. Of course I’m talking about Eminem and Guns N’ Roses. So before the highly anticipated albums come out, let’s examine the first batch of leaked songs.

Guns N’ Roses – “Chinese Democracy”

As previously mentioned, Guns N’ Roses is less than a month away from releasing its long. long, long awaited comeback album, “Chinese Democracy.”

I’m very excited about this.

Why? Well, first off, it will most assuredly be a terrible album. Axl Rose is doing to GNR what “The Crystal Skull” did for Indiana Jones: trying to revive a peacefully resting memory. People remember GNR as one of the biggest rock bands of all time, and after this guaranteed train wreck, the legacy will be over.

Is there any way this album is going to meet anybody’s standards? Axl Rose is broke and trying to act like a rock star so people will buy his drugs for him and bail him out of jail like it was 1991 all over again. There are rumored guests on this record that go from Sebastian Bach to Shaquille O’Neal. Yes, Shaq daddy himself is rumored to be on this album.

Is this the most over-hyped novelty album of all time? I would bet on it. The wait for this album only magnifies the guaranteed disappointment that will come with it. GNR is not only about to fail, but fail on the biggest stage of them all. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is going to hear this album at some point. Heck, I would be willing to bet that radio stations will even play songs from it in an attempt to make it look like a decent effort. This will be the most universally hated album of all time, and I am excited for it to drop.

So, like a movie that everyone knows will be terrible, kick back and enjoy the massacre. We only have a few precious chances as humans to all come together and laugh someone out of Hollywood and into a one bedroom apartment somewhere. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you Axl Rose. As of mid-November, he will be fair game.

Eminem – “Relapse”

So, Eminem, I hear you’re having a “Relapse?” Well, I checked out your new song on YouTube, dubbed over a picture of you staring at me. I hope you had trouble seeing my face as I laughed so hard at how weak this effort was. A single that lasts only two minutes and change? That is weak, Marshall.

I’m a fan and I have been one since your poppy beats and quirky lyrics on “My Name Is” convinced a 12-year-old version of me that you were innocent and funny. I’m also a fan despite how traumatized I was when I first heard “97 Bonnie and Clyde” and then a couple years later when I heard “Kim.”

Yet all through that, you put forth a great amount of effort to stay relevant. You even wrote a political song! However, I doubt I will be spending another $15 to finance your next court date.