I learned to love bad cinema after consuming years of mega-cheese with “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” Those snarky robots made getting through films like “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” a breeze. The show was canned in 1999, which left me feeling empty and gave me two choices: I could either watch, you know, good movies, or, I could stick to the B-grade features with poor dialogue and clunky actions scenes.

Poor dialogue and clunky action scenes it is. Flipping through my OnDemand, I stumbled upon “The Marine,” directed by John Bonito. (‘Bonito’ means ‘pretty’ in Spanish, which is about as ironic a surname a director could have for this film.)

If you’ve never heard of John Bonito, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. “The Marine” is his first (and hopefully last) foray into filmmaking. Seriously, the guy has nothing else to his credit on IMDb. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone else with a more bare filmography than Bonito. I have no problem with first-time directors, really, I don’t. But I am slightly worried that the guys at Twentieth Century Fox handed Bonito the keys to the vehicle and let him take it from there. Hey, if I were handed $20 million to make a bad movie, I wouldn’t look back or bother to ask questions, either.

Where do I begin to describe the agony that is “The Marine”? Perhaps by mentioning that this is a product of WWE Films. Yes, the same WWE greased-up sweat hogs like Hulk Hogan and The Rock used to work for – that WWE. Yeah, they make films now, and they all star their own athletes. You figure 99 percent of wrestling is being a good actor already, right?

Former WWE World champion John Cena plays the titular character. As John Triton, he is The Marine, a tough-as-nails champion of heart and soul: He loves his wife, he loves his country and he loves showing off his pecs in a shirt two sizes too small. As luck would have it, he would have the perfect opportunity to demonstrate his love for all three over the course of the next 93 minutes.

Triton’s wife is kidnapped (for some reason) by a group of thugs with a diamond fetish (for some reason). To save everyone some time, I could sum up this movie in three words: “For some reason.” There is never any explanation as to why anything happens. It’s almost as if Bonito passed over the pages of the script labeled “exposition,” jumping from action scene to action scene, with nothing in between. At first it’s kind of neat. I mean, big, bulky dude punching other dudes in the face over and over; what’s not to like about that?

But eventually, the action scenes – what is essentially the film’s bread and butter – begin to wain. The movie suffers from Michael Bay syndrome in that, everything explodes. Cars explode, roadside shacks explode, giant warehouses explode. At one point, there were so many explosions I began to question my own sanity. When the screen is a composite shot of various things blowing up simultaneously and the only color you can see is burnt orange, you’re bound to get a little loopy. Even things that were once thought to be inflammable explode. I’m pretty sure I saw water catch fire on more than one occasion.

Who budgeted for all these explosions? How many months in advance did they have to place the orders for all the squibs and gun powder and various incendiaries? I’m guessing nearly all of the $20 million budget went toward covering the pyrotechnics, which, I suppose, makes sense looking at the low-rent cast.

Kelly Carlson (Nip/Tuck) plays Kate Triton, the makeup-heavy wife to John. To say these two have on screen chemistry would be overstating the truth. I didn’t expect them to be Peck and Hepburn or, to a lesser extent, DiCaprio and Winslet, but there was no chemistry between the two to speak of. They simply go through the motions of playing their parts, earning their paychecks. There were more fireworks between Cena and the exploding scenery than there were between he and Carlson.

Robert Patrick (Terminator 2; various bad movies, including this one) is Rome, the villain with a one-track mind and only one name. Patrick is good in his role as “evil person who shoots at things,” and serves as the perfect adversary to Cena, whose role is “good person who shoots at things.” Together, they shoot at things, sometimes at one another, and that makes for box office dynamite. Kaboom, explosion!!!

Without revealing too much else, I can say that by the end of the movie Rome dies and the Tritons survive, only after a couple more buildings explode. Sequel?

For the mathematically inclined (or stat-heads like me), here is a breakdown of what to expect when watching “The Marine”: