Breaking News with Orlando *

With a record of eight Olympic gold medals from Beijing in his rear view mirror and a myriad of guest appearances in his near future, Michael Phelps has announced he will leave the media spotlight by mid-October.

“After my appearance as a guest bailiff on ‘Judge Judy’ on Oct. 9th, I will return to Atlantis,” Phelps said.

The 23-year-old said Prince Namor of Atlantis requested his return to the legendary submerged continent to become an ambassador to “the dry lands.”

Phelps said it was “an unbelievable honor” to be chosen as an ambassador.

“I believe Mr. Phelps’ abilities exemplify the Atlantian way,” Namor said. “And you top-dwellers seem to really like the guy for some reason.”

“I know my only talent is being able to out-swim the entire human race, but that’s not going to stop me from doing things I’m not qualified for,” Phelps said.

Though he was asked to act only recently, Phelps will host the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live” on Sept. 13. Three days later, Phelps will release “conCERN,” a plus-500-word book that discusses the scientific and philosophical questions of the Hadron Collider in Geneva, the most powerful atom-smasher ever built. Two weeks later, Phelps will host the inaugural nationwide chili competition, “The Fourth Annual Chevaun Lumpler Chili Cook-off and Squirrel Stuffing Competition.”

Along with Phelps’s scheduled events, he will make numerous surprise appearances on various TV shows and Starbucks openings, said his publicist Samantha Worhol.

“Mr. Phelps has decided to use his new found fame to reveal himself to the world,” Worhol said. “And he only has a finite amount of time before he becomes Atlantian ambassador and can no longer expose himself.”

“No longer am I going to let my inability to do anything besides swim stop me from doing all the things I want to do but am severely under-qualified to do,” Phelps said.

* This article is a work of fiction.