Editor’s Note: The following stories are completely fake and made up by the Northern Star staff.

Farm expo outdraws all Convo sporting events

“Green acres is the place to be / Farm living is the life for me.”

Or so the “Green Acres” theme goes.

Farm living is the life of a record-setting crowd in DeKalb for the 2007-08 academic year.

The Farm Expo sold 9,437 tickets, making it more popular than any sporting event at the Convocation Center during all sports seasons.

Corn and bean buyers and sellers came to DeKalb like legal trouble flocks to Roger Clemens. People were more interested in what type of corn was going on their cobs than any Jake Anderson dunk or any sweet move by Shari’ Welton.

– Allan Scarbello, staff writer

Odds of happening – Even

Yordon Center renamed for former NIU QB

In a shocking move, NIU’s new Athletics Director Jeff Compher announced the Jeffrey and Kimberly Yordon Center will now be known as the Josh Haldi Center.

Haldi was NIU’s quarterback from 2002-04, and he led the Huskies to a 10-2 record in 2003.

Compher made the announcement after he watched film from the Oct. 23, 2004 game, NIU v. Western Michigan. Combating horrible conditions, Haldi threw six touchdowns while managing to keep his undershirt sweat-free.

“His actions were that of a man among boys,” Compher said after viewing the 35 mm film on a chalk board.

The former quarterback always knew the Yordon Center was the house that Haldi built, but he officially put the claim on his business cards following the announcement.

“What? It wasn’t named the Haldi Center to begin with?” Haldi said. “Well, at least NIU fixed the mistake now.”

– Ben Gross, sports editor

Odds of happening – 100:1

Clausen does what Demetrius Jones was supposed to do

Jimmy Clausen has followed in the footsteps of another former Notre Dame quarterback, Demetrius Jones; however, unlike Jones, Clausen will actually take the field as part of the NIU football team. Clausen, a prized recruit from California who started for the Irish last year, decided to transfer to NIU after disagreements with Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis.

“I just didn’t get along with Weis,” Clausen said. “I’ll be honest, I think he’s a terrible head coach.”

Clausen also said he enjoyed his visit to Huskie Stadium, which he says is a world-class facility compared to Notre Dame Stadium and the famous “Touchdown Jesus” mural.

“Huskie Stadium is great,” Clausen said. “Notre Dame Stadium was a complete dump; they should have torn it down years ago.”

Clausen will have to sit out the 2008 season and will compete for starting quarterback in 2009.

– Steve Nitz, staff writer

Odds of happening – 50:1

Novak influences Kill’s decisions

After the spring game, Jerry Kill sat in his office and went over what he liked and what he didn’t like.

“You should have run the ball more often,” Kill’s conscience told him. That’s true, Kill thought. Running the ball is part of NIU football.

“You should get rid of the fullback,” Kill’s conscience told him. Well, I don’t know about that, Kill thought, the fullback is an important part of my offense.

“You should schedule and beat Alabama, Maryland and Iowa State,” Kill’s conscience said. Wait a minute, that doesn’t even make sense, Kill thought.

It was then that Kill noticed feet underneath a window curtain in the corner of his office.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain,” the voice said.Kill pulled back the curtain to find Joe Novak.

“I didn’t mean to keep trying to run the program,” Novak said. “It’s just that retirement is really, really boring.”

– Andrew Hansen, staff writer

Odds – 1000:1

Men’s basketball loses to Rec Center champions

NIU suffered yet another loss last Tuesday night, dropping a 75-70 contest to the intramural basketball champion team.

Coached by Rob Judson, the Thrashers are loaded with the talents of Michael Hart, Zach Pancratz and Cody Yelder.

Hart finished with 20 points, 12 rebounds and one busted rim. Yelder dished out 10 assists while Pancratz drained eight from 3-point range for 24 points.

“I’ve always thought an intramural team could beat our basketball team,” said junior psychology major Michael Smith. “Not just the best team, but any team.”

– Derrick Smith, staff writer

Odds of happening – 10:1