I have my summer vacation already planned.

Yep, call me a nerd. Perhaps “overzealous” or “excited” are better words, but either way, summer vacation calls for a plan. The perfect summer adventure is a delicate situation. As portrayed in horror movies throughout history, summer is the perfect time for — you guessed it — slicing and dicing of idiotic teens who meddle with things that shouldn’t be meddled with.

What’s my summer plan? I’m setting up a fort in my bedroom. My supply list includes blankets, pillows, metal sheets for the walls, duct tape and the world’s scariest Halloween mask. Why the paranoid turn? A glance at the scary movie genre will prove that the only place safe is under the covers.

1) Stay north of the equator. If “Turistas” taught us one thing, it’s to stay away from Brazil. Unless you have family with serious fort-building skills, stay true to your hemisphere. Nobody likes having all their possessions stolen or fearing for their lives when they should be baking on the world’s beaches.

2) Stay away from Eastern Europe. As a matter of fact, stay away from Amsterdam, too – the Dutch in these movies are a crazy bunch. “Hostel” is a lovely example of why Bratislava not only sounds frightening, but also why you’d be guaranteed the scariest experience of your life should you choose to go there. I don’t even think commercial flights go there. So, ha! If you manage to hike your way over there, your stupidity deserves to be rewarded with a one-on-one meeting with a butcher knife. And seriously, beware of the Dutch.

3) Stay away from Texas, or anywhere near a forest, or any small town. While “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” took place in Texas, the movie’s events could happen anywhere. I mean, how many inbred psychopaths have you met recently? I know my list needs its own page of loose-leaf. Besides, if you were stuck in any forest or small town, how would you propose getting out or being rescued? I know I don’t carry a flare in my purse, but perhaps you do.

4) Stay away from cabins. I know I already covered the forest bit, but cabins aren’t safe, either. Yeah, I know your dad just bought one in Wisconsin for the summer, but for the love of all things safe and not creepy, stay home. I’m guessing the massive amount of bugs in forests just drive people insane — I know they give me the willies. “The Evil Dead” certainly made its mark there, and for good reason. Cabins are the only places I can think of that could realistically hide flesh-possessing demons from the neighbors.

5) Stay away from cornfields. If you learned nothing from “Children of the Corn,” listen up: Kids get bored living in corn country. Summer vacation offers long, extensive hours filled with watching TV, doing chores and sleeping. Corn fields are already in the middle of nowhere, so that really doesn’t give the kiddies many options for where to hold their cult meetings.