The age of fruity-sounding celebrity baby names needs to stop.

I give props to Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman for modestly deeming their newborn son Max. The little tyke actually stands a chance of meshing with society, unlike other celebrity babies.

Perhaps famous offspring attend schools where it’s against school policy to make fun of others. That would be the only way they’d survive school.

A little piece of my heart dies whenever I read about the Apples and Cocos of the world. I understand the parental desire to give their children unique names (Nyssa isn’t exactly readily pronounceable).

I don’t, however, understand the readiness to forget that playgrounds are brutal, horrible places where blossoming self-esteems are kicked and hazed to death.

What’s wrong with David or Sara or Mary or Michael? Surely they’ll have five or six name-twins in each class. That’s probably against the unspoken code of celebrity conduct; you know, the one that forbids being (gasp) normal.

Famous kids must start out life the right way. They couldn’t possibly risk not being recognized for the godly beings they are. Thusly, famous parents name them after a childhood dog, for example, to ensure originality (British celebrities, Bob Geldof and Paula Yates thoughtfully chose to name their first daughter Fifi-Trixibelle).

Celebrity kiddies will already have unmistakable identities – think TomKitten – with or without names like Moonbeam.

Also, good luck coming up with nicknames. “Moonie” for Moonbeam? Yikes!

This trend exemplifies how everything in a celebrity’s life can become a headline. Whether the kid took a first step or said “Prada” for the first time, the wackiest names warrant the best publicity.

What’s that you say? The kid isn’t a toy but a person? Nah, I’m having too much fun playing with it. Look! It’s so cute! Little Fifi-Trixibelle can do tricks! Write that down; put that in your little article.

Celebrities gain their fame and fortune for producing anything that’s creative, original and marketable. It seems goofy baby names result from people taking their living caricatures home with them.

So much for art mimicking life.