America’s Next Top Model — Heels high enough to make sitting down sound really fun; lips so puffy you develop a speech impediment; criticism so harsh you’ll crave the next time the judging panel rips into you and calls you a boring waste of film.

But none of that is as important as being fierce. Tyra Banks has not reclaimed her spot as a household name for nothing. She genuinely wants to help you.

Because if you can love yourself, she says, that means she can love herself too, or so she said about Cycle Eight’s Whitney.

Just a hunch, but something tells me the Vicki’s model does NOT need any help boosting her ego. She already has life-size portraits blanketing the walls of the model mansion.

Kudos to Tyra for birthing this cash cow, but she’s not the only catwalk guru on the show. Have you ever seen sexier gams than those on Miss Jay? Aww, let your heart go pitter-patter. It’s OK. I’ll wait.

Try peeling yourself from your comfy hospital bed so the judges don’t disqualify you, like Cycle One’s Adrienne. Doctors don’t want you to leave? Come on!

This is the chance of a lifetime. Pull out your own IV, just remember to make it fashion! Cough, but make it fashion! Curl up in a ball and cry, but make it fashion!

But a self-help program it is. It teaches America’s teens to work on their self-esteem from an early age.

Forget education; as long as they have facial symmetry, slim hips and a killer set of cheekbones, they have it made. Cycle One’s Elyse comes to mind. She got into medical school? Psshh. How’s her photo? Can she sell my product?

Besides, models peak around age 30 anyway. Tyra’s got to snatch up those twiggy toothpicks soon or they risk — gasp — maturing.

The show even teaches the girls to be beautiful. Not only are the Top Model judges fashion Yodas, they are the proverbial fountains from which public opinion is formed.

Cycle Six’s Joanie endured excruciating dental surgery to fix her snaggletooth, but thank Gucci she did!

Can you imagine what the picture of beauty would be like if someone with her grin were allowed to storm the catwalks? Since models smile as much as they gorge on cookie dough, you understand my concern.

But nothing — except for Tyra’s mugshot — is held to higher esteem on ANTM than the female body. Cycle One’s Parisian nude shoot portrayed the reluctancy of two of the four remaining ladies to strip for the sake of fashion.

Consequently, both found themselves in the bottom two during that week’s judging panel. What do we have to learn from this? Sacrifice! Morals, schmorals.

If you really want something in life, my pretties, you’ve got to give up a little too…well, maybe give up everything.

I mean, what’s a little sacrifice here and there? Want your face gracing the cover of Tiger Beat for all of America’s youth to see? Learn to love your curves, because ANTM’s cameras want to watch you do it.

Ladies, give it a shot! Next time you strut your stuff down Lucinda, channel the Amazonian women of ANTM. Pucker those lips. Stomp your flip-flopped feet to flaunt your pajama pants.

Bestow that piercing gaze on passersby when there’s no camera to seduce. Trust me, it’ll be genius.

Now excuse me while I unscrew my smile.