With our nation-building experiment in Iraq not exactly going according to plan and our troop surge not exactly getting the desired results as yet, I would like to submit the following modest proposal.

Let’s have Congress introduce the Unlimited Support and Auxiliary Corps of Workers to Augment and Redouble Deployment Act, or USA COWARD Act. Its provisions shall be as follows:

1. All able-bodied Iraq War supporters under 50 shall be drafted into the military and sent to Iraq immediately, to remain deployed until ultimate victory is achieved.

2. All able-bodied Iraq War supporters over 50 shall be drafted into a new organization known as Civilians Helping In Certain Key Enterprises as Needed, or CHICKEN. This group shall fulfill a variety of non-combat supplemental functions, such as cleaning latrines and staffing freedom fries stands in Baghdad markets.

While it’s great that so many Iraq War supporters have heroically chosen to stay behind and cheer on our troops from the comfort and safety of their homes, the team needs fewer cheerleaders and more players now.

And besides, there’s no danger involved – everyone knows that Baghdad is just as safe as any average town in Indiana, right?