Students with a powerful need to cross directly through the center of campus were forced to walk around the entire stretch of the Kishwaukee River last night, due to its sudden… greenness.

I asked a campus police officer what the problem with the river was.

“It’s green,” she responded.

And so it was.

This seemed to be the extent of everybody’s knowledge in the matter. All we were able to determine is that a HazMat team says there isn’t anything hazardous or poisonous about it.

Since we haven’t got any answers, I’ve decided to fulfill my role in the media as an alarmist and come up with unfounded and ludicrous theories with the sole purpose of whipping the public into a panic.

Among my theories:

The Joker is trying to kill us.

The Clown Prince of Crime has cleverly inserted a compound into DeKalb’s water that, by itself, will not cause any harm, but when taken in concert with a bunch of cosmetics stuff on the full moon will make us die of laughter. We must push through the proper appropriation that will get DeKalb its own Bat Signal.

Art project gone horribly awry.

It’s getting down to crunch time in the art department, and some fibers student with a surplus of food coloring desperately tried to make a statement about the different ways in which we color our world… or something.

Leprechauns and Richard M. Daley are plotting an overthrow of our municipal government.

Chicago is expanding, and it has its eye on DeKalb. The unholy union of Leprechauns and Chicago mobsters has finally hit our sleepy town.